Old Habits

Old habits die hard…
Especially on a drunk mind, I suppose.
Can’t explain the things running through me.
I feel collected and happy,
but there’s something that needs explaining,
some kind of reasoning I feel I owe myself.

I was reflecting the other day,
always looking back to passionate times,
I come to these points where I know I should feel my heart,
but I don’t.
It seems like this is too real life…
Like…those things were pictures from movies,
and I can’t have that.

So,
in close quarters,
it felt…larger than life.
Whatever it is that hides under the surface,
that is constantly needing to be shoved back by avoidance…
it was everywhere…
I tried denying it to myself,
but I know better.
I know how it is, I just thought after almost a whole year,
after all the shit, and the platonic reconnect, that it would be different.
But it isn’t…
I slipped up,
but I don’t kill myself over these things any more.
Seems so silly…so…deep..and complicated..and magnetic.
Stay away from something that lights the universe in a way nothing else has ever, or seemingly, will ever.
Run from the pull that you feel when you’re just in the same room…
Whatever it is still baffles me.
I’m still on my way up…

All the places I have been mentally and emotionally for the past two months have been…great.
I feel stronger than I ever have before, and more happy, fulfilled, stable.
I make connections without wanting anything more,
or anyone else.
I used to feel on the edge all alone…now..it’s right where I seem to fit in.

All day today I’ve been thinking back.
If I could calculate all the reasons for exactly why this still happens, I would…but I can’t.
Luckily, it no longer affects me how it once did.
All because of the person I have shaped up to be.
I can look back at memories,
and I can realize this moment,
taking both for what they are…without feeling sad about it.