Stubble, dry, and flying

Finally coming down,
from head spinning and slightly nauseous,
only to feel my stomach curl,
memories and bad moves just to test it,
rough skin and harsh lips,
drunken bickering and rambles.
I’ve got this confidence that knows I can have whatever,
I didn’t sleep alone,
but today I think I wish I did.
Only wanted to stir the waters,
wasn’t sure where my head was in that respect,
but now I’m sure.
The void of all the things I used to long for on a regular basis,
they’ve just been replaced with self fulfilling aspirations.
These are good things,
I am a machine.
Capable of getting the things I want,
and I guess I wanted someone warm next to me.
And he wasn’t overly blatant,
or constant,
the perfect amount of distant.

But this morning I woke,
buzzing and dry,
no thoughts, and only a firm arm under me,
around me.
I didn’t care,
didn’t have regrets,
just felt normal,
same way I do every day I wake.

I forget what it feels like to have my heart race,
Unless it’s paired with my body whipping around a track and dodging shoulders and hips,
It just isn’t something I feel my mind can allow me to have.
A sense of too calm and composed,
and mild disinterest.

I’ve experienced a lot this weekend,
more things than I think I needed to,
or wanted to,
But somehow,
I came back better,
and I only see myself feeling more empowered,
noticing a true change that reaches deep into my soul.
The one thing that may have been able to break any building I put up,
didn’t move me one bit.

I know all the things I want to keep as secrets,
I know the truth about the things I hide,
They just no longer hinder me in any way.