Glitch

At the end of my last beginning,
I realize I sparked every event that occurred.
Like some entity that knows me better just took me,
lead me into all these little corners where I’d tie opposing strings together.
eventually, it had to end somewhere.
And it did.

I’m not sure why I said the things I did,
the one time I did,
to start the ending to everything.
I’m not sure why they felt so real right then,
but every other moment I was convinced of something different.
How I had a timeline in mind,
like I knew it would never go away,
but that I would live,
I would learn to love,
and more importantly, learn myself.

The more I go the more I realize all my old mistakes.
Hoping "things" would happen,
events, or words, or any combination of outside forces,
would make happiness rise.
Happiness isn’t made of the things that happen to you in life,
it’s how you feel about yourself that shapes the innermost part of it all.
Sure, things happen than make you happy,
but that is temporary.

I think of all the worst and best things and shake my head at the silliest things.
The reactions, the easily fueled fire, the insecurity.

It all came to me at once,
again,
what I said to her that night.
That night that led spark to the fumes…
And I still believe it,
Every day I think of it, at least once,
 but not with such distance.
sometimes I debate it,
but it doesn’t call to me,
I do not long for it,
I do not need it,
and there is no pressure.
It’s just this…thing…I feel I should share.

Maybe the  most honest thing I have said in the past……half a year…
was what I said to her.
It was just the weight of the honesty that made such an impact.

Sometimes I feel this rise in my throat, like I’ll choke..Like there’s still something to be said for something deep that I cannot reach. But…I don’t think I’ve been so content after such hard things. I don’t think I’ve ever been at such a peace with myself.