A Goodbye I Missed.

 Bad news always seems out of the blue,
even when you expect it,
a part of it still comes as a shock.

She carried it like the heaviest burden the world could ever give,
and I knew what it was,
and I knew the pain that would ensue.
She tells me he said he’s ready to go.
That he gathered everyone to say goodbye,
and she had to say "You can go"
Everyone had to say it.

I can only imagine the pressure, the tension.
For some reason when these things happen I feel a sense of cold that makes me feel less than human.
Everyone gets at one another’s throats, 
or cries,
breaks,
And I….I just stand there.
She said to me…"You…You’re strong"…
"You’re going to be okay" She said.
"I’m always okay", I reply.
"No you aren’t….You just pretend"…

Honestly, I don’t believe I do pretend.
But maybe I’m in so much denial I believe it is honesty.
I’ve seen that face many times before.

It’s funny it all comes as a coincidence.
My coworkers tell me that I’m the one that everyone goes to.
Everyone talks to.
That I know the inside on what everyone is going through.
And I do,
I guess something about me says that I care,
that I won’t judge,
and that maybe I need it.

I feel strongest when someone else caves on me.
When someone else is confiding in me,
when I know someone needs support.
It makes it easy for me.
And maybe it’s an escape.
Because I know that no one knows the things I’ve been dealing with on my own.
And I think I need to keep it that way,
I think that’s why, at night, when I write, that it all floods.
Maybe I’m not strong, maybe I’m just always running.
I used to just say everything I felt, 
share it with someone I trusted,
but now I’m so different.
I can’t say I’m not okay with it.

But right now,
I feel a little weakness that I’d like to share.
Right now ,for once, I’d like someone there.

I’m not sure why.
The combination of everything going on is a bit soul crushing.

I look forward every day.
Make new goals and plans.
I’m a machine in a sense.
I wonder when it’ll break….Because for months I’ve been keeping a lot in.

 
I’m going to fill these winter months with physical activity.
Bruises and aching muscles.
I dream eight wheels every night.
The turns,
the hits,
the close calls.
I dream it now, it’s all I can think about.
To push..push…push…
It’s a tunnel vision I need right now.