A week of old memories

 With all the out of sorts I seem to feel in my mind,
there’s still this string that loosely ties it all together.
Despite the grinding ache I feel each day,
nothing really hits through to me.
I feel strong in all of my weakness,
feel alive in all the things I have lost,
in all the memories that burn with reminders.
I feel driven and unscathed.
This year has been a blur that is hard to come to terms with.
Here I am,
individual,
tough,
caring,
stable,
driven.

Lately I have seen so much of everything.
Dreams upon dreams,
and faces,
but nothing lucid.
And memories have been flooding me.
Memories I was forgetting.
They don’t burn,
Im not angry.
I don’t know what I am.
I just think I felt more alive then.
For some reason I tripped back in a moment.
My surroundings handed me the memory.
As I delivered myself from the memory, arriving into reality,
I found an effortless smile on my lips.
I guess a part of me still appreciates those things.
I night he had me keep my eyes away so he could draw something on me with pen,
I remember it sticking for days.
It was so simple,
and the memory felt so delicate,
and one of thousands that pile into what I thought were some of the most amazing moments in my life.
It was almost like I had nearly forgotten that they ever meant anything.

I feel a little more human in those moments than I do on any regular day.
I guess a part of me still feels this out of touch feeling,
I’m mechanical in a way I can’t begin to explain.

I’ve got a lot going for me.
I drive myself constantly.
Now that I’m back on stable legs and feet,
back to doing something I love,
I can feel the fire burning.
To push harder,
move faster,
think of nothing,
sweat, fall, go until I can’t breathe and my head is spinning.

People on the sides watch me,
I have a name now amongst some incredible intimidators,
I have a confidence I never would have imagined,
but something says it isn’t enough,
because to me I still don’t feel so real.
I feel halfway proud,
I feel half of a lot of things,
yet still, I don’t feel much at all.

And lately.
I’ve begun to realize some things I know will crush me,
and that is entirely why I have kept myself pinned here.
It’s just what I need.
I knew how things would be.
It doesn’t seem to matter what happens,
or how long its been.
Sometimes it’s easier to place blame in places it doesn’t belong,
so you don’t have to face things.
Displace it all.

Maybe this weather has just made it hard for me.
It usually does.
The changing season.
The year will soon be over.
It’s almost like it never started at all.

I once was never one for denial….

We all learn tricks from one another.