Some kind of poison

 Damn these days…
I’m done with September.
Done with ending nights like this.
It doesn’t seem to matter,
the things I make myself think,
how I feel about myself.
This is relentless,
and I won’t do a thing about it.
I’m better than that now,
but every day I want it,
every day I want to reach out,
every day..
Goddamn these days.

Each day is becoming a harder riddle to solve,
why it is my heart spins around him,
getting sick and never letting up.
Intent on where it is.
Why?
All these names, and faces,
words and conversations.
I take time out and even enjoy myself,
but I can still feel it, every second,
a ghost that never leaves me,
never quit breathing,
and it sounds a lot like him.

He sleeps easy,
fresh off a night time high,
in a bed, by a window, overlooking town.
I won’t let him know for a moment that I’m thinking of him.
I don’t know why I haven’t forgotten yet,
exactly the noises he’d make in sleep,
or the way he’d kiss my forehead.
Can’t stand each second I let myself see it,
all the moments my heart slipped,
and he caught me in that second,
every face and smile he’d make that were all his,
I can’t forget.

I feel entirely pathetic.
I’ve kept it all to myself,
not a word slipped to ears anywhere else.
Not a word said to him in weeks.
I won’t be the one to chase, never ever again.
But somewhere, my soul is still trying to find him.
And that’s what I’m lacking when I’m away,
smiling and trying to make it fade,
I still feel this restless reaching, longing.
I truly do not understand this.

I wish this would go away.

And every day I look to the sun.
Or the lightest part of mind.
I lift myself just enough to watch my shadow off the ground.
Yet every day ends the same.
And hours inbetween I see him.
Night I lie with words in mind.
And tears shed never so lightly.