When you find another me

 This is far from where I should stay.

Haze.
Things need changing again.
Saw some familiar faces in new light,
in new skin.
Bars are full of the unexpected on a Saturday night.
She whispered in my ear to tell me things,
to smile,
to say what I was,
like it made it real.
It probably never was.

She asked about the "new boy"
He’s not new any more,
but for some people the word is still traveling.

He was across the bar waiting for me to return,
I pointed at him,
with his hat, and his smile, and striped shirt.
"Does he make you happy?"
Yeah, I think he does,
but that doesn’t mean the past doesn’t still hurt.
Sometimes the past can make you feel hopeless.
I told him so.

Deep in a new conversation she told me what she saw that day,
or the day before,
I was locked in, trying to listen to slurs in speech,
just hearing something about a "wannabe" me…
Not something I wanted to hear,
and then there was a voice,
he stood next to me, introductions passed,
awkward situation when you’ve got that thin line from a break,
to the new reality.

We left,
told him what was said,
I’m just glad it didn’t stick,
that it didn’t sink me at all.
Went home to drinks and falling asleep on his chest…
He tells me he thinks he wants to leave soon,
away to college,
I hate change,
and I’m not chasing things any more.
He asks me how I feel about all of his choices though,
keeps me in his thoughts…for now.
I miss him when I leave on Sundays,
feel five pounds lighter every week when I do.
There was once a time I wouldn’t have felt satisfied with only a weekend,
but it’s different,
and I don’t know if it’s because I don’t have such a deep bond,
or if it’s just how he spends his time with me,
with his arm around me,
always smiling.
And even through our first real, terrible argument,
he wanted me over, around.
He tells me how much he loves my eyes, and often,
scratches my back,
kisses my shoulder.

The summer will end soon,
much too soon,
I don’t want to work,
or to fight,
or to chase,
three years of that ended me nowhere,
and I’m not ready to do that again,
I also don’t want to be easily replaceable again.
He’ll go away to college,
that’s good for him,
and we’ll try to make it work I’m sure,
he wants things to work,
and that feels good.
For someone to not make a decision without a thought of me,
without care as to whether or not it will work.
In a matter of 2 months I’ve learned so much from him,
I’ve gained so much patience,
and I’ve learned to breathe more than I used to.
But the best part of it all,
is how I’ve really learned to just be myself,
to have my things,
our things,
and his things,
all be different things.
It’s an amazing thing when you become one with someone,
but it can also be a terrifying thing.
Sometimes you lose yourself in someone else,
because they care less, and suck you in…
Where I’m at now,
it feels even,
I’ve not felt this mutuality in a long time,
around this time last year, actually.
And maybe it isn’t as deep,
but this is what I can handle,
this is how I stay happy.

She asked me how I felt about everything.
And she may be the only person I’ve ever told the truth to.