07/23/2013

 The bed moves under me
As he twitches in his sleep. 
I lie awake..avoiding a dream
Or a chance to dream as I did last night. 

Faces that are unfamiliar now, had a place. 
It wasn’t a coincidence. 

He spent hours tonight trying to make me smile
I put myself in a hole of self doubt.
Still..as he fell asleep so fast I feel alone
And dissatisfied…
 Because I want warmth..
But I won’t accept it. 
Because he will see me differently some day..
All the "pretty" will fade..
And all the substantial things I do and am..
Are never enough in the end. 

I am full of doubt
And he smiles at me
Tries to wash the worry out of me
He listens when I explain my fears in circles
Rings that repeat like water carries things. 

When you have to greet something so cold, in flesh
Remember that it wasn’t always that way
Something changes
Something remembers how you can’t believe in a thing. 
And as it happened I felt nothing..
As it happened it felt like less than strangers
Strangers would have had a more cordial meeting. 
Open your trunk to old memories you had forgotten were there.
Those things without souls feel more real to me..
The costume..the cup..other things. 

It isn’t the person. 
But the lesson. 
The void of everything
Every moment seems like it never existed.
And I have these objects lying right there..
That speak to say differently. 

To realize that it doesn’t matter…
I always say nothing lasts…
Even friendship. 
It wasn’t what I wanted anyway. 
The chill..cold…apathy is better than that. 
I guess it stuck a icy knife in my life over the past three years. 
I’ll never know where I’ll end..but I always worry over it. 
Because I don’t want another moment like this again.