This is the last time
I hate it when people say..
"I thought you two were it"
Yeah…
So did I.
So here it is..
Because this will be the last time I speak of it.
Just to get it off my chest for the final time.
It’ll never be over for me.
Not in the way that I’m hung up..
because I’m not.
But in the way that my soul will always have that lacking presence.
Because once there was harmony in a way I cannot describe.
It was my forever once..
But I’m not set on that now..
I’m not looking for forever any more.
I changed so much..trying to reach that light again..
Once I had this soul filled feeling.
Though sometimes things were hard.
Sometimes far from perfect.
There was a completeness in my life
This sense that I cannot put into words..
And the void of that will never be lightened.
So I ran..I run..I change..I talk and shape and shake
To reach some sense of clarity..brightness..illumination
So I glow on my own..and I do now..in a new sense..
But not in my soul..not right now.
And its okay.
Life is made for these things.
And I’ve accepted that the past few years will always be a huge part of me.
I’ve accepted a lot
And I appreciate how much it made me grow.
When you lose a lot..you have to find yourself again..
It wasn’t time that I’m missing or holding on to
Its that music..its the feeling of having rest..
And now my soul is so restless.
I let myself stop for a moment.
Forever is not something I have plans for any more
Forever does not exist in this life.
I’ve got right now.
And right now I have someone who does care about me.
Right now I know someone that wants me
Smiles at me
Tells me I’m cute..and pretty.. and sexy
It isn’t something I need any more
And for the first time since the ending..
I felt that weightless feeling in my stomach
I felt something that wasn’t just nothing
I broke from the numb composure..
Because no matter what I have said..
I’ve been only motions..only a happy numb..
If that makes any sense.
Its a kind of grey sky contentment..
But it actually rained…
For the first time…it wasn’t just looming clouds or cold sun.
It was something.. It meant something.
Because what emanated from him wasn’t just lust.
It was care.
It felt warm and safe..and it sparked something in me
So I’ll say goodbye to the past..one last time
But it’ll never truly be over for me.
I don’t think.
But I have to give it the chance
Because its all I have
I’ll never forget the harmony
And I’ll always hope to have something like that again
Something unreachable and undeniable and surreal
Something everyone can feel when they see us together.
Tonight I have someone to go home to.
Who cares for me…
Where there is mutuality