Nothing

 It’s like I had almost forgotten this feeling,
but this isn’t one that someone can truly forget,
I don’t believe.
Life is full of it, it seems.

It’s much too late,
or early,
But I’m awake,
after a couple hours of shallow sleep,
I feel like I’m swallowing my own throat,
like it has collapsed,
and my stomach holds my tongue.

It’s a bit much,
mostly it’s just feeling ashamed,
in myself,
in not being my usual paranoid self,
or maybe I am being overly so, now.
I do feel shaky,
Maybe it’s how I’ve been treating my body,
Pills,
no food,
no sleep.
Who knows?
Seems like it has become a normal for me.

Maybe I’m finally just emotionally caving,
I’ve been more and more physically strong,
I forgot what it was like to feel this way.
Knowing that someone is capable of something,
and simply chooses not to do so,
because you just don’t mean enough,
because they don’t care enough,
and so soon.
Maybe I’m thinking ahead of myself,
getting tangled up in old assumptions,
but this isn’t something I ever want to deal with again,
I know what I deserve,and if I can’t have what I want,
I should at least have the things I deserve.
And it isn’t someone without a single thought of me crossing their mind at night.
Because saying something only takes two seconds these days,
and honestly,
I haven’t been invested in anything enough to have a conversation in those ways,
Also, I haven’t needed to, I’ve had steady physical presence,
which is new, and was reassuring.
Maybe I’m psyching myself out,
I should have gone back to sleep.
But I didn’t.
I made old movements to check the phone,
and to no avail,
and I could feel that weight in my chest I  thought I escaped,
the one that says …
"They just don’t give a damn"..
Perhaps I am too sensitive to it now,
you know,
no more second chance lifestyle.
Every first time for anything bad has to be the last,
and I shouldn’t feel this.

Life has been so tiring lately,
tears welling now,
they’re so scarce it shocks me,
even after everything I only truly cried twice,
I just stopped caring enough about everything.

Maybe right now I’m too weak for my own good.
What am I doing?
I was so close to buckling down,
and why?
I’m unsure.

I probably won’t go back to sleep now,
the world is up,
and my mind is running,
and my heart is pounding the way it used to.

Maybe it’s just too familiar.

I feel like today was supposed to mean something.