Now I’m a Fat/House Cat

I used to yell ;ONE FISH, TWO FISH, RED FISH BLUE FISH!; to make both hounds come inside. And clap the rhythm while I did it.

Whoever was closest was Red Fish and furthest was Blue Fish and I would repeat ;Red Fish, Red Fish, let’s go, Red Fish, go go go go go; or vice versa to whoever lagged.

I also can’t shout ;RELEASE THE HOUNDS!; anymore. I really miss Jethro, and am borrowing sorrow against Henry already. <you should hear how his one remaining rear leg clicks in agony, though. It’s almost almost almost time>

‘I was a quick
wet
boy
Diving too deep for coins’

I should do just a scraps entry. I’ve tried to be so focused and serious while diving back in that I’m starting to scrape up against the concrete pool sides here.

‘Then when the cops closed the fair
I cut my long baby hair
Stole me a dog eared map
And called for you everywhere’

Bea texted both me and Sisterface last week. Just ;I love you; to each of us, but I immediately panicked. You always think the worst, I think. I texted Mister ;do you think she’s going to off?; and he was kind of baffled that that was my first thought. But when you’ve disowned someone this unable to function, who knows? Truly.

Then Dad texted to say she’d called our godfather, fairly out of her head. Something will happen soon, I’m sure. Anxiety is anxiety, but it’s not always wrong. Borrowing trouble for the last month in my insomnia wasn’t completely disconnected from reality. Just…Painting panic against unknowns.

‘Have I found you?
Flightless bird
jealous
weeping
Or lost you?’

We are one of the few houses in town that still has snow pack. The pots I put out to stratify wildflowers are just starting to appear <tipped the fuck over>, but you cannot see the ground still. I had a dream a couple of weeks ago about walking through land I knew well and realizing the snow pack was gone and I should be looking at what was coming back and where. My skin and my psyche are ready for things to be growing again. For the air to smell like things.

We have nearly run out of our own-grown garlic, and I am dreading the 4-5 months we have to survive buying grocery store garlic. It’s not fair. We have, you know, been growing garlic since we bought the house. I’m proud of this. I have replaced our seed stock once since that first year, but it’s the greatest thing I do as a human being to grow 6-7 months of eating garlic. Enough to share. We store other things, of course. But garlic is my crowning achievement. And crockpot roasting it is what makes me a demi-god. I make garlic oil, roasted garlic and spreading garlic once to twice a year with too-small heads.

‘Cursing my sore blunt tongue
Watching the warm poison rats
Curl through the wide white fence cracks’

Times are hard, getting harder all the time, for sure. But even if everything falls apart today, let’s admit we did a fucking good job for a while. Even if all the fucking animals died this year. I always knew I needed a marriage to survive, but
.                                                                                                                                                               I got extraordinarily lucky, even so.

‘American mouth
Big bill
stuck
going down’
– Iron & Wine