I Witnessed A Friend Go Insane; The Diary

June 7, 2017 11:32 pm

Uncertainty.

So. I recently reconnected with Leo after six years of being iced out by him. And we did the booty on the first day, which was dumb but whatever. That’s where we left off. He told me that he iced me out because he started to develop strong feelings for me. Whatever. (Six years ago) I cussed him out because that was my way of running.

Running.

Two days later we hang out and our conversation was very open. He opened up to me in ways I never thought he was capable of in all the years I’ve known him. He was extremely affectionate towards me. We even had a conversation about having kids…what????

He told me that I am a really special girl. I sent him a heart emoji and said “you make me feel special”. I haven’t really heard from him in three days. This whole thing has left me feeling so many things. Confused. Extremely attracted. Lovey dovey. Hopeful. Excited. Scared shittless. Vulnerable. Shocked. Disbelief. Sad….

What if he bails on me? Runs? Ices me out? What if he’s talking to this girl his Mom wants to hook him up with? What if….

Yeah I guess those are my biggest fears at the moment. Sigh. I never knew that I felt this for Leo. It just smacked me in the face. The face that he acts like he really likes me too….omg that is such a good feeling and I just want it to last. I’m terrified of losing Leo again. It hurts me. I’ve lost so much already. I’ve been rejected and abandoned so many times that I can’t bare to experience it again.

I know that maybe that’s where this uncertainty comes from. The past. Knowing that this seems too good to be true….grrr. I don’t trust it, but I wish that he can be the one to give me the ability to trust again. I feel vulnerable and I hate it. I want to run before he bails on me, but I’m going to be strong and face whatever happens.

I won’t be the one to run first this time.

As for the uncertainty, I’ll just tell myself that it’s just fear. Until I have clear evidence that he’ll bail, it’s just a fear. Right now isn’t real, besides it’s okay to not know and be afraid. And if worse case scenerio happens, it’ll hurt but I’ll live. I’ve been hurt before, I’ll survive.

Fuck.

(I drew a picture of a grim reaper holding a bleeding heart and beside it wrote some artsy fartsy shit for myself.)

Here. You can have this back, because everything’s going to be okay. Things only look scary on the surface, so face your fears and you’ll find a life filled with blessings in disguise. <3