What’s behind the weight-warning:a bit intense with references to past abuse.

I have never had problems identifying my issues with mental health and their direct correlation to my weight. My problem is how to fix those things.I know how to lose weight-diet and exercise is key. It’s a simple formula. Take in less calories than you burn if you want to drop some weight. No pill or any ‘miracle’ food will do that.

It’s the mental side of things that I can seem to ‘fix’. I have had weight issues nearly my whole life. I have been on every conceivable diet or exercise regime and have done quite well at times. However, without fail, I get to a certain point and can’t seem to plough on through. I hit a wall and can’t go further. It’s not a diet plateau, it’s a mental block. People start noticing, saying how great I look, starting showing me more attention and that’s it, I can’t handle it. I feel completely exposed and vulnerable. I have lost my protective outer shell that makes me invisible to a lot of people. This has always been a conundrum. Yet, I crave attention and validation from others with regards to my intellect or my humour or my art.

I read this article recently. https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/opinion-hari-depression-causes_us_5a6a144de4b0ddb658c46a21?utm_campaign=hp_fb_pages&utm_source=lifestyle_fb&utm_medium=facebook&ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000032 It hit home on so many levels. I read it and I thought ‘Yep, that’s me’, but without being able to pinpoint any specific moment or trauma. I was sexually abused. I am a #metoo card carrying member, but I really don’t think this was the cause. I was portly from about the age of 10-11 and I think it was more like a number of smaller things that are responsible, rather than one big one.

My abuse story is a series of incidents that made me think ill of men/people in general. When I was around 10, my neighbour tricked me into a closet during hide and seek and made me do things. He was about 7 years older. My cousin used suggestive language and tried to touch my other cousin and me on a number of occasions My other cousin wrestled me to the ground often and rubbed himself on me, until on one occasion, the rubbing intensified to full completion. When I was 15, I was at a party and I had too much to drink and a guy pushed me into a laundry room and forced me to have sex with him. That wasn’t even the worst part. When we came up from downstairs, Virgil, a guy I had a crush on, shouted to the entire party that ‘… T*** just got laid!’ and when someone asked with who he shouted ‘That fat a** over there, she’s kinda hard to miss!’. I was completely humiliated. There was one time my Grandparents were visiting from NY and we were watching a Madonna concert and my dad and grandfather had too much to drink and were visibly leering over the girl dancers and saying borderline lewd remarks. My Mom saw that I was uncomfortable and tried to change the channel and a huge argument started over it. It got so verbally intense that my Grandmother turned on my mother and stated they were going to leave the next morning. I felt personally responsible for the whole thing.

There were smaller incidents over the years of things being said to me, but none more damaging than the things my own mother used to say. She used to make me feel like I was a horrible fat beast that no one would find attractive. She would try to dress me in outfits that were very conservative, that covered me up and that were not fashionable at all. I will never forget one time during the whole babydoll dress phase, I had bought one and came downstairs in it to go out with my friends. My mom took one look at me and said ‘Oh Katie, don’t wear that in public, you look like a god damned tent.’ Now, I bet it wasn’t a flattering outfit for my body shape at all, but why would you say it that way to your own daughter? What would you expect her reaction to be? I just wanted to wear what my friends were wearing. I was forever getting little jibes like this. When I was younger, she used to take me to get my hair cut at the pro shop of a golf course because the hair dresser was the brother of the golf pro and he would give mom discount lessons for letting his brother practice on me. I HATED those haircuts. He always made me look like a boy. I had a mullet one time, for god sakes. I had just got one of these glorious cuts and went in to say hello to my mom. She was having lunch with a bunch of fellow golfers and one of them said something that revealed she thought I was a boy. In the car on the way home, the incident was mentioned again and I said I hated my haircut and my mom said it wasn’t my haircut, it’s because I was so fat. Apparently, being fat made me look like a boy, not the fact that I couldn’t have the longer hair I wanted.

So, I really can’t pinpoint why I wear my weight layers to blend into the background and stay off of people’s radars. There are just so many to choose from!

How do I fix this? How do I break the cycle and stop hiding the moment people start noticing my appearance. How do I trust people not to hurt me or to think of only one thing? How do I shed what’s behind the weight so that I can shed the weight once and for all?

I am on a healthy eating kick now and have shed 17 lbs in 6 weeks and I want to continue. I want to get to a nice healthy weight and I want to feel good about myself and keep it off.

I am so scared of the cycle repeating again because when I am at my heaviest I feel like a total failure. I become depressed and I don’t want to go out and do anything. I just want to eat.