I want more

I’m not sure if my life is better or worse since moving here. It was great at first, but now it’s boring. I went from one crap paying job, to once that pays more, but is worst in employers I’ve worked for. Kroger wasn’t as bad as these folks, and they own the store company I work for. Finding a job, a decent one, has been such a hassle, sometimes I feel like giving up. I wonder, is there anything out there for me HERE? Why is it so hard to find a job here? I’ve been here two years, and you mean to tell me all I can get is grocery store jobs? I mean, not to knock working for one, but it’s not meant for long term, or for people actually trying to make a living there. Unless of course, you’re a manager. I wouldn’t be a manager for that store. I’d have to quit, cause they are all full of shit. I’d like more out of life, a much better job. One that takes care of my needs and more. I’d like to not feel financially stuck here, should things go south and I need to be on my own. I’m not saying things are bad, but my mood and thoughts on that, aren’t always the happiest either. I am quite tired of getting rejections. I’d like to know why these people won’t hire me. I’d like to know if I’m EVER gonna get out of the store i work for. I can’t even get 30 hrs on a regular, and getting full time is out!

As for my relationship, yes I’d like more in that area too. Not more sex, cause Lord KNOWS I don’t need more of that in my life. I feel like I’m supposed to be ready to perform whenever he is ready. It sucks sometimes. Not to say the sex is bad, but seriously I’d love to go a day or two without it, and it not be because of AF. I don’t know if he still watches porn, I’d rather he not, but I guess that’d be better than cheating lol. I can’t really get into porn, it’s boring. It doesn’t really do much for me. May be due to being over stimulated and it takes me a bit longer than it used to, to get there. I am getting older too, so I guess that’s a factor. What I’d like more of, is affection, commitment, and consideration, and most of all honesty. I don’t like when I KNOW he’s lying, but have to keep my mouth shut. He doesn’t play fair, if I call him out. I wish he’d grow up. I’d like to get out more, I want more romance, I want intimacy and it not always lead to sex. I wanna feel loved, needed AND wanted. I’m not saying he doesn’t do some of these things, but they’ve slowed down quite a bit since the end of my first year here. I think he’s gotten comfortable. I need for him to limit his female friends, cause I know how some of us are. I need for him to talk to me when something is wrong, instead of behind my back to his son. His “soundboard” as he calls it.

How are we to grow, if he ONLY tells me what he thinks I wanna hear or talks when he feels like it (or is mad at me) Sometimes what I wanna hear, ISN’T what i wanna hear, but if it’s necessary then we should talk. I know money is a factor that holds us back on some of the things we’d talked about doing, but it helps if both parties are willing to save up for such things, when they know money is funny. This would be better than waiting til you have a huge chunk of money, such as refund or a bonus. Then he gets stupid with it, and gets mad when it’s gone. It’ annoying. I love him dearly, and would like to see us continue to grow and prosper together. There are just some things he needs to work on, and in the mean time I’ll keep praying. God is pretty much my only true friend, only one I can trust. I can talk to Him more than anyone, i Just need to do it more often and give Him more of my time than I do. People always disappoint, and I’m trying to get away from setting myself up for disappointment.

I’d like to be happy with myself in general. Not to please a man, or a boss, or anyone else. My self esteem isn’t the greatest. I wish I wasn’t so introverted. I wish I could stay positive more. I’ve had so many non positive moments in my life, it’s hard to stay that way even when things are good. I want to be able to prove my worth, at my job, and personal life. I want to be in a better position in my life, to be able to take a trip away, or be prepared for emergencies, or be able to take rejection or criticism without being so damn sensitive. That’s one thing I hate about myself. I dunno, I try to treat people the way I want to be, but i still get hurt. I’m just gonna sit and pray…cause worrying won’t solve a thing.

Not getting that job hurt my feelings. What do they want from me, that I’m not giving.?I can’t even get a cleaning job at a hospital that requires no experience. I mean damn, I DO know how to clean. Sometimes I wonder why I was born, cause most of my life people picked on, or mistreated me, or I’ve missed out on something good just cause it’s me and that’s how life is. I just wanna be happy, that’s all.