Lost

I feel like I’ve gotten lost somewhere on my spiritual journey. When I read some of my old entries about how I know God is working in my life and all, I feel so far from that point now. It’s not that I really doubt the existence of God–I just feel very far away and like I’m missing that constant presence that I used to have.

When I pray lately, I feel the way I did when I first started praying, back when I really felt silly doing it and like I was talking to myself. I don’t know what happened. Nothing has really gone wrong or happened to make me question God. I still feel so blessed in my life, and know that the baby I’m carrying is a miracle. But I just can’t seem to summon up the overwhelming sense of joy and peace that I had a year ago.

This is new territory for me, even though I spent most of my life not believing in God at all. But when I did first start searching for meaning and truth in my life, I was starting from scratch, and learning about everything, and if it didn’t come naturally it was ok, because it was all so new to me. But where do I go from here?? I’ve already gone through this, and if after all I went through the first time around I’m right back in the same place, then what does that mean?

Does everyone go through cycles with their faith? Am I only able to really maintain faith by constantly questioning and reevaluating my beliefs?

I’m just so frustrated, because I never felt like I even reached the point where I was secure in my faith. I definitely got to a point where I felt a real presence in my life and just somehow knew that God was there and watching over me, but I still hadn’t sorted it all out. I thought over time I would just naturally grow in my faith, and by the time the baby got here, I would have some clue how to talk about it, and how I wanted to raise my kids spiritually. Now I just worry that I’ll confuse the hell out of her, because I’m so confused myself!