Shame

Nothing has really changed since I wrote the other day. I’m sort of paralyzed at the moment, in a bit of denial I think. Like maybe if I just don’t move, it won’t start being real.

I still haven’t heard a word from J and it has been almost a week now. I get that he doesn’t feel like talking to me right now (I don’t feel much like talking to him, either), but he hasn’t seen or talked to the girls in several days. I can’t imagine what kind of cold-hearted jerk it takes to do that. Yeah, things suck with our marriage but it’s not the girls’ fault. I know I could never go this long without seeing my babies, no matter what the crappy circumstance. I keep thinking back to when J and I were trying to get pregnant the first time around, and he was so excited and impatient and seemed to want to be a daddy so much. What the hell happened to him?

Another thing that is paralyzing me right now is the fact that I don’t want anyone in my life to know that this has happened. I haven’t told my family, I haven’t even told my best friend. I’m just so ashamed of all this. I know I’m not the first person in the world whose husband has left, but I just feel like a big fat failure at life and I don’t want anyone to know. My parents never fully warmed up to J and I really don’t want to deal with any "told you so," "you’re better off without him," etc. In the long run, I think I’m better off not staying with someone who treats me like crap, but knowing that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with in the moment.

Little K wants to know where her daddy is. During the day I tell her he’s at work, and in the evening I just say he’s busy and not home right now. I don’t know what the reality is going to be of his relationship with the girls, so I have no idea what to tell them. I don’t know if he just needs some time to cool off and then is going to want to spend time with them, or if he’s just planning to walk out of all of our lives. For my own sake, I want him gone. For the girls, I need him to be around. They need to know their dad. So I just don’t even know what to want or what to hope for now.