Reality

It’s hitting me hard today.

(warning….lots of swearing in this one)

I have been making my peace with the idea of being a single mom, with how to explain things to the girls, and with being alone. But today all the logistical stuff is freaking me the fuck out.

I haven’t worked in over 3 years. Back when I did work, I just had crappy jobs. How in the world am I supposed to support my family?? Any job I can get would barely pay for childcare. Not to mention the fact that I don’t WANT to have my sweet girls away from me all day. Little K has had three years of security, of having me home with her all the time. Doesn’t Baby T deserve the same? I can reasonably get my head around putting K in childcare at least part time (was planning on starting her in school in the fall anyway), but I don’t want to do that to the baby. She’s very attached to me and not at all ready for it.

I don’t know the first thing about how to figure out things like child support. I don’t know what J is planning to do. He hasn’t been back and hasn’t returned any of my calls since he left on Tuesday and I’m starting to freak out. At the moment we still have our joint account and he hasn’t pulled money out of it or anything like that, but who knows what he’s going to do. He’s angry at me, and has a serious vindictive side, and I wouldn’t put it past him to "punish" me using money.

This is just such a mess. I don’t know what happens next…..do I stay in my house or will I have to move? Can I even apply for child support before we’ve started any sort of divorce procedings? What do I do in the meantime? Just hope and pray that I still have access to all our money so I can fucking feed my kids?

And then there’s the emotional crap. Even though I really kind of hate J for what he’s done, and even though I am relieved not to deal with him anymore, I can’t fucking STAND the thought that he’s camped out at slutty bitch’s house, fucking her brains out while I take care of his kids. How can he possibly do that, how can he be having a good time and enjoying his life, when he just basically abandoned his family. When I’ve been trying like crazy for years to make things work and he couldn’t even be bothered to TRY. I hate him so, so, so much for doing this to me and my girls.

I guess I’m just kind of in limbo now, waiting for his next move. It scares me to death. I just had my marriage fall apart, and how my entire life could get yanked out from under me with no warning at all. Fuck J. Seriously, fuck him.