Slowness In Action (Pt. 2)

One of the points I was attempting to get to in my last post (and got totally swept away by the evidence that life is excitedly supporting this lesson I’m learning), is that I’ve been trying to trick myself into altering my perceptions of want-to-do and don’t-want-to-do.

Which I’m sure sounds pretty manipulative, even to do to yourself, but it’s all for a good cause.

Something that my friends and I talk about a lot is our tendencies (from The Four Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin), and my close friends and I are all either Rebels or part-Rebel, according to the framework. This means that we struggle to meet both inner and outer expectations, and if we don’t wholeheartedly want to do something (in a certain way, at a certain time)…we just won’t.

Rebels can tip towards another tendency (or not), and I tip towards the Questioner tendency. I tip so hard towards Questioner that I originally thought I was one. Questioners are people that need perfect information before they deem something worthy enough of their time and attention. Which still sounds awfully Rebel-y, it’s just that with the right presentation, Questioners can be convinced. So I do have a flexible side. That’s what I’m playing into.

One of the BIG deals for Rebels is the strategy of Identity. It’s how I’ve tackled every successful endeavor ever – by deciding that I’m a person who does this, or doesn’t do this, or is that, or isn’t that. The most recent example: I gave up dairy Jan 1st and don’t miss it or fight it. Why? Because instead of telling myself “you can’t have dairy”, I’ve told myself “you’re someone that doesn’t eat dairy, that is inching towards Veganism because it’s better for your long-term health.” Making it a part of who I am makes decisions about whether or not to eat it EASY. I do the same with weight loss. I’ve decided that I’m someone whose weight stays within a certain range, and if that changes, I alter my behavior to fix it. I did the same thing with quitting processed meats, and bad-for-you coffee creamer, and gluten. It’s how I managed to get through any diet or exercise program ever. It’s how I managed to take a walk every single day for 60 days in a row. Identity is a BIG DEAL to rebels, and if you know how to harness it, you can get quite a lot done.

It all kind of boils down to control. If a Rebel decides that something feels good to them, or that helps define who they are, or proves their own points, then they’re a force to be reckoned with.

So approaching my days with this new feeling of slow, flowing freedom, obligations and appointments can sometimes feel icky, annoying, and intrusive. I wake up feeling inspired to write something, or to sit with a book, or to linger by a window and talk about all the wildlife that goes by with my little curious ones. Sometimes I just want space to plan meals, or to fold laundry with a podcast, or paint my chipped nails, but I have to rush to take a shower and get out the door by a specific time, or spend my day in a way I’d rather not. And on those days, I’m trying to convince myself that what I’m going to do is actually what I chose to do. I’m trying to get excited about those things as though they are exactly what I’d like to be doing that day, or that it’s my last chance to do this thing so it has that edge of excitement to it.

Yesterday, I woke up with a half-cleaned house and the motivation to finish putting it together. I wanted to keep reading a book I was getting sucked into, and take a lingering hot shower, and play a game with my little guy, and swing by Home Goods to search for pretty mugs. But instead, I was put on the library’s volunteer calendar, and I’d almost forgotten, so my plans for the day changed as soon as I woke up. It was really hard to switch gears from a day that felt like my version of happy and productive, but I convinced myself that it would be nice to be ready and put together for the day, and out in the sunshine (that has been so rare lately), and to visit with the lovely people of the library. I did my best to embrace the morning, and convince myself that putting an outfit together, spending time on my make up, and then granting my energy to the library is exactly what I wanted to do that day. And you know what? I had a great day.

It was an exhausting day. But it was good – it felt worthwhile. I manged to fit in stops at both Home Goods & Target, knocked a few things off my grocery list, caught up with people at school, visited with both my boys while I was there, spent time outdoors on the playground after pick up, and read most of my book in the afternoon. I’m learning that having to hit pause on what I want isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s fighting what’s in place of it that makes things feel exhausting and complicated. I’m learning to be okay with switching gears, turning the dial of what I’m doing either all the way on or all the way off, tuning into my inner GPS many times a day and readjusting the route where necessary, and finding small wins in all the moments – no matter how small, unplanned, off track, or backwards they may seem.

And really, it’s important to know that my core personality is actually in my favor.

People spend so much of their lives learning the hard way, that what feels good to them is what makes the most sense and creates the most ease and abundance in their lives. I’m hard-wired to do that! The problem is that it’s a tricky balance between responsibility (and whether you see it as frustrating interruptions or you’re able to flip the script to see them as little adventures) and following what you want to do and when you want to do it. Being too far tipped towards only following your whims can leave you just as empty as fighting against them for the sake of achievement.

Balance. That is not a word that has ever come easily to me.

One of the books I have on deck is called Lagom, which is the Sweedish word for balance, or “just the right amount.” Man do I need that. I think this idea will really light me up because I crave the simplicity and freshness of minimalism but I’m drawn to the beauty and creativity of kitsch and cozy. And I mean that in all aspects of my life. I’m excited to see what it will teach me.

I’ve spent this morning answering to the Rebel – sitting at my desk with a cup of coffee, writing all that’s in my heart today – pausing sometimes to watch a squirrel outside my window, digging up what he buried in the fall, or to chat with my little guy about airplanes and dogs. I’ve done only what felt good to do. Wrapped in a cozy blanket, noticing the sunlight on the grass, sitting my my pj’s and messy bun. And it’s been wonderful.

Now, the pull of productivity is yanking at me – making me feel anxious that I’m still sitting here, and pieces of my obligations are headed for me soon. So I will hit save, say goodbye to whim for now, and put on my productivity hat while telling myself over and over again – isn’t this a great adventure?