Myrica californica

Myrica californica

family: Ericaceae

Pacific wax myrtle

whenever we talk about this tree we make jokes about ‘Murica

It took me so long to remember these guys, but they’re all over the area

it’s so dry and hot during the day

the biggest drought this county has ever seen

I just want some cold weather and rain

and to dissolve into something else

a sea turtle maybe

I have this dull aching feeling in the back of my brain

I am tearing slowly at the seams

it isn’t like before, an unexpected rip

it’s so subtle I hardly notice it

except for in my dreams, and the constant inner monolouge of self doubt that I can never seem to completely shake

I am drowning in all of my classes, and running out of oxygen

 

Every time the panic starts to creep up, I tell myself, that I am smart, I can do this.

and then I waste hours and hours on the internet

wondering where all my study time went

feeling the pressure in my whole body and yet doing nothing about it

I am a stuck person

I get stuck easily

and something about this place, my life here always makes me feel stuck

I think I could feel stuck anywhere

I guess sometimes I hope there  is someone who can pull me out

keep me in motion

but I shouldn’t need someone else for motion

I don’t want to need anyone else for anything

but here I am

wishing desperately for motion

for something to change although it never really will

because my mind will never change

and I will never know what I truly want.

 

love and egrets

phoebe