Heteromeles arbutifolia

Heteromeles arbutifolia

family Roseceae

common name: toyon

this is the plant that "Hollywood" was named after

Heteromeles means "other apple" in greek

 

a heavy sinking empty feeling

constant reminders of a very unhappy girl

existing in crushing solitude

and the cold

it slows the blood in my veins

all I want is to go back

back into strong warm arms that pick me up and spin me when he’s excited

back into the Mojave, counting endangered and unique plants

outside, sweating in the sunshine

and coming home to someone who cares about what I say

I want to feel the passion I felt this summer

I want to be around people who care

people who are moving forward in their knowledge

people who will talk plants and animals and butterflies with me

get excited with me about the little nerdy things with me

the people I can do this with exist here, but I am part of a clique so far removed from it

I chose the party people as a freshman

and my anxiety in crowds rears it’s ugly head

 

and David

my heart still aches for him.

aches in a way that is new to me

like a deep sadness

similar to how I feel about losing a close friend

 

the irony of all of this whining about missing him

is that within 6 hours of seeing ex neighbor, he booty called me

and I slept over at his house, numb to everything, barely sober enough to stand

just glad I wasn’t faced with solitude

and I haven’t heard from him since

 

and I sort of care, because it makes me feel used

but I’m sort of relieved that my tendency to rebound instead of heal has been thwarted

 

love and vampire bats

phoebe