Rubidoux

recently I’ve been feeling like a fifteen year old trapped in a 19 year old body.

In the sense that this tomfoolery with my housemate makes me get all giddy, giving me back perspective on what it’s like to be 15 again and everything is magical and in the moment.

But during those experiences, my 19 year old brain is laughing at me, murmuring something like ‘you idiot’ at every turn.

Just like how last night when we were sitting on the couch and we ended up kissing, and then really kissing and then I was straddling him, and for an instant I realized how close we were to having sex.

We didn’t have sex though. We did however, sleep next to each other in my bed last night.

but he woke up and took a shower when the sun came up without touching me.

HE is the one who instigated all that stuff last night. I think, I guess the instigation was sort of mutual.

And we haven’t discussed our intimacy, and he’s in his room for the night with the door closed.

I don’t think this is what he wants right now, or I should say, this is not what his brain wants right now.

I’m not heart broken if romance isn’t what he wants, but I would like to talk about it, but I’m avoiding it since that could get awkward.

But does that mean I don’t have true feelings if I’m perfectly cool if he doesn’t want to get with me?

But I don’t think that’s true, just because I get so much out of just being friends with him, and sex would probably fuck that up.

Sex always fucks that up.

Why are all my interesting diary entries about boys?

fuh.

toodles

phoebe