03/07/2013

little words, little thoughts.

this place makes me so incredibly happy sometimes, simply because how beautiful, how alive it is.

I think if I had ended up somewhere that was not as beautiful, I would not have lasted this long in college.

I think I just really want to share this beauty, this young adventuring spirit, with someone.

We can sit at the organic cafe in the late morning and just get cheap coffee and tell stories about crazy friends and smile because the sun is out for a moment and everything is glorious.

I want someone who will notice with me that the daffodils are blooming with the cherry trees.

Or walk through town in the middle of the night shitfaced drunk staring at the stars and deciding important principles of metaphysics.

or cuddling up and smoke a bowl and watching a ridiculous movie and falling asleep halfway through, the smoke haze lingering lazily around us

but the next day, waking up super early, watching the sunrise, and hiking up some glorious peak, feeling the dew of early morning on our skin, our only drug being the landscape.

I don’t know if someone who will do all these things with me exists.

I don’t know if I ultimately want to end up with someone like this.

I have no idea what I’m doing, no idea what I really want in a mate.

I’m mostly excellent in fantasizing.

I miss his friendship. I miss talking to him. But he’s a 25 year old stoner for life, who never plans to leave this place, this paradise. And while I love it here, there are so many things elsewhere I want to experience. Deep down I know that it would never work, even if he’d let it because of that simple fact. I want to do something substantial, I can’t just sit around forever getting high and chillin’. Although I do enjoy it, just like I enjoy good beer.

I don’t know what I’m trying to say.

Maybe I should pull my head out of the clouds and stop looking for male attention.

But I’m young and lonely and I have so much pent up energy, so much capacity to care about someone.

<3 phoebe