I was once a loyal lover

Last night I went with my housemate on a late night food run.

I got in his janky old 1999 geo prism, and once again, the seat belt wouldn’t stay buckled.

Every time I’m in his car this happens.

He tells me that I’m the only person that ever happens to.

And then, after struggling with it for 5 minutes, I flip it over.

And on the first try, it stays.

"Sarah, I think the universe is telling you something."

"What?"

"You’ve been trying to do everything upside-down"

And then at the market a nice hippie man gave us 2 blood oranges.

 

I’ve really been struggling with myself what I’m doing here, what I want to do.

I feel like I’m not outdoorsy enough, I’m not smart enough, I’m not courageous enough, to be a wildlife biologist.

But there are moments when it feels so right.

Now that there are no boys, no friends, no drama, all I have is school.

And so much time to think, to think about what I want, what I’m capable of, what I’m doing right now.

And how I’m just sitting here in my house hiding from being employed, hiding from people, drinking coffee and watching endless netflix.

The future is just this huge blinking question mark, staring me at the face, yelling at me DO SOMETHING YOU COWARD!

The panic is back, the panic is honestly worse that it ever has been before, because before it came in a giant rush, and went away, but now it is never completely gone.

I can just sit and stare at a wall for hours, my mind going a million miles an hour, even though I’ve been sleeping about 14 hours a day.

I really need to stop drinking coffee, but it’s the only thing I’ve been looking forward to, the only thing that soothes me, because I’ve stopped smoking when anxious.

I feel like my feet are sitting in fast-hardening cement, if I don’t do something soon I’ll be stuck like this forever.

 

It is a beautiful day though.

phoebe