wake up

I’m uh, 3 beers deep

scratch that, 3 and a half

idk how much I weigh

somewhere around 130

but uh

I’m almost drunk, on a saturday night

at 8pm

by myself

I have no friends

minus my neighbor who contemplated being with me, and my housemate who I think has contemplated it too

I’ve gotten so far with people I think almost entirely on my appearance

being pretty has it’s perks

but I’m so terribly ugly on the inside

I’ve made at least 3 people, female close friends, hate me in the last 8 months

WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?

I never mean to hurt anyone

but like

I fuck up

all the time

continuously

I think there is something seriously broken inside

or not

maybe being 19 and in college just brings this about in people

but I’m so lonely

it hurts

a lot

and I wish it didn’t

I just want to feel like I’m meant for this. I want to be meant for something

 

I think I was meant for him

which him? there have been exactly 5 in the last 5 months

well the answer to that particular question would be… I don’t know

that’s the problem really

I don’t know any of the things I’m looking for

I just know that I feel empty

and I keep trying on men like shoes

and some fit

but none of them want me to wear them

most give me blisters

and I’m ready to throw in the towel

slice scars in my face

I don’t want to be pretty or beautiful or sexy. I just want to be me, I want to be wanted for being me. Bright inquisitive eyes, a loving heart, rid of this toxic vanity.

it causes me to carefully measure what I eat

look at my reflections, pictures, gauging how I look to others

I sicken myself sometimes, or maybe often

but I don’t want this

not anymore

 

too much self inflicted pain

 

phoebe