10/28/2012

Ive been running

and running

and running from all the things that I feared the most

that lonely darkness in my brain

 

While running, dodging, avoiding all of my problems, they seem to have accumulated.

I have lived for 4 and a half months halfway moved into my room

I made progress today, but it is pretty haphazard

 

I don’t know

my mind is so foggy right now I can’t make sense of what’s going on

most of the time

but I have dreams about everyone all the time

haunting vivid dreams

 

I’ve been getting really stoned at night

so I don’t think about him until I fall asleep

it works as a crutch

 

but I still haven’t completely let go

which will definitely bite me in the ass if he ends up with someone else.

I secretly selfishly hope he doesn’t find anyone (as awesome as me but more right in the brain)

until next semester(?) when we can start fresh.

I could be happy for him and someone new

really upset, but eventually happy

without him I would be so much farther away from myself than I am now

 

I feel like we aren’t finished yet

but maybe those are my selfish pulling fingers unwilling to let go of him

 

his shirt is still sitting on my desk

next to his aviators and the sand dollar we found on the beach when I’d known him maybe a week.