01/08/2014

 Glad to see OD behaving.  Its been difficult to write – be it technology or just life in general – something gets in the way.  I’m feeling the angst that comes from not writing.  I was reading some of my later entries yesterday.  It was a good thing.  Many factors have made me miserable lately.  Husband has been one of them.  I read a couple of positive entries regarding Husband.  I’m glad I did.  It tempered my ire toward him last night when he asked if “we” could get the kids fed earlier.  There is no fucking “we” in that scenario, asshole.  Anyway…..I still love him and I am glad I have him.  For the kids mostly.  For me too.

Work is a getting a bit hairier.  Lot of shit piled up on me.  I’ll dig out.

I am derailed again. 

My physical and mental fitness – which go hand in hand – are both in the dumpster.  Because of the fact that have not been physically active enough, my brain is a festering mess.  And when my brain is a festering mess, I reach and escape to my favorite place.  Until winter solstice and jul, I had not reached out to him.  It had been 3 months.  The cold, winter weather, especially January brings back the memories.  Due to my current physical/mental state, the armor I wear in this constant battle is weakened.  I emailed him yesterday, secretly hoping he would not respond.  He did.  He responded with “I want you as my mate, my partner, my lover, my friend, my wife”.  As lovely as this sentiment is, and as much as it boosts my fragile ego to have someone carry a torch for me – truly it is a load of crap.  I know what he has and he is not willing to give any of it up.  More importantly, I know what I have and I am not willing to give any of it up either.    

I feel a bit better already.