Beauty Perception – it’s Disgusting
I started off thinking about all the eating problems I had when I was a little kid. Remembering all the hours I was forced to sit at the dinner table. All the conversations my parents had with me about eating faster. It would take me an hour to get through a meal at times. I wasn’t allowed to watch TV or do anything else while I ate. No distractions. If I took too long to eat, I was sent to bed early without dinner. I would be so upset because I really was hungry. But I suppose being adopted made me feel too stressed to eat. It probably would have been better to have a distraction from how the food was making me feel.
I remember eating little pieces of paper to try and fill my belly when I was in bed.
I remember my mother getting so frustrated, because I was practically starving, that a couple of times she threw me down on the dinner table and shoved food down my throat, causing me to choke. I can’t stand canned beans to this day, they make me gag.
But something was different this time. I started thinking about all the messages I got from EVERYBODY in my life later on. Actually, not even really that much later on. As a small child, I remember my aunt telling me how good I looked in jeans, and how everyone wishes they could look as good as I did in jeans.
My maternal grandmother telling me that in her day, everyone was skinny because they didn’t have the chance to get fat. The way I looked was ideal, and that is how everyone should look if only they would eat properly. (um – she was born during the depression, then raised during the second world war. How is that way of living ideal?!)
Now, after pregnancy, when I was breastfeeding and clearly needed the calories during a 3 week visit, my paternal grandmother suddenly stopped making enough food to have leftovers. It seemed deliberate, and after the third night of this sudden change, when I asked if there was more she said "no" in a demeanor that seemed very veiled in her intentions.
My mind was brought to a photo of myself taken during a very unhealthy time. I was working 12 hours days and barely had time for sleep or food, if I could even manage either. I remember putting on that little black dress, seeing myself in the mirror and thinking how horrible I looked, I was like a skeleton. Flat chested, curvy only by natural bone shape, and – well – bony. Everywhere! At the time I remember thinking that it was the most flattering a picture could have made me in that state, even though I looked barely alive. But my friend and I posted the picture anyway. I got nearly 30 "likes" and more than a dozen comments about how fantastic I looked. I certainly didn’t complain at the time. I thought I was ugly, and it was nice to be told otherwise.
Being told I was way too skinny was also very hurtful. I didn’t ask to look that way. Just like excessively overweight people don’t ask to look that way. They have developed bad eating habits, just as I had.
I’m suddenly appalled at our society’s perception of beauty. I know, people talk about it all the time. But I suddenly feel shocked and astounded by it… I never really thought about all the messages I’ve been given throughout my life about my appearance. But it seems the more sickly I looked, the more people commented on my so-called "beauty".
Now, this is not to say that I’m anorexic… I have just always been very skinny. I have also always had very bad eating habits, based on this early time in my life. There were times when I ate a lot, yet failed to gain any weight at all whatsoever. I have a tendency to ignore my hunger, it’s almost like a nuisance to me.
But really now, is that any more healthy than being anorexic?
How many people have told me during a time of horrible health or depression that I looked fantastic? That I’m "hot"? Countless!!! It’s truly disgusting.
Even worse, are the women who have hated me for my appearance. Because I had always wished I looked more like them. Had softer curves, a softer body. But what does it matter? Why do we hold beauty in such high regard anyway? Why is it that female power can only be obtained through appearance? Those women that hold positions of power for being good leaders are always perceived as "bitchy". It’s so fucked up, really. Something as impermanent as beauty can have such a hold over us all. There is something very wrong with us as a society.