07/23/2012

Being with him definitely causes me a lot of anxiety. I almost broke up with him yesterday because of the argument we had. But like I said before, I know without a shadow of a doubt he’s going to do what he can to fix his mistakes.

I really do think that this anxiety is different. I like where we’re at right now though. Close, but not too close. It really does make me feel crazy though… maybe part of it is that I’ve started taking my medication again. Fuck, there’s a million reasons why I’m feeling crazy. Doubling a ritalin dose would definitely have a lot to do with it.

I don’t want to avoid it like I did with Rob, I don’t want to deny my emotions. I’m not trapped in the same way. He hasn’t mistreated me in any way. He’s been nothing but sweet to me, and he deserves the benefit of the doubt because he’s been such a good friend before we turned into something.

It really is like an addiction though… anxiety when he’s not around, then feeling overly fulfilled when I am with him. I know we’ve spent too much time together, and so does he… but I’ve got so many issues to deal with still.

I really really don’t want to be anything like my bio mom… I don’t want my life to be consumed by a guy like this. But I guess it is right now. I suppose I could just fight it, and do the opposite… ok well maybe not the opposite. But I’m aware. So I have to take the next step. Focus on me, do what I want to do. And then have him in my life as a secondary thing, u know?

I really like the way he is… like you can see it in his eyes how much he loves me… and he lets me figure things out for myself. It’s really really nice. The only time he hasn’t really, is when we had those two arguments. That’s the only time he’s sort of pushed his will onto me. But he didn’t mean it… and I know how sorry he is. And he knows how much it meant to me. I guess it will take me a few days/maybe weeks to heal completely from how I felt yesterday. That was really painful, that fight. I’m glad he sees it now.

I’ve got lots on my mind today!