Jealousy

     I have made an interesting observation… just sitting and thinking… and I’ve realized… that I have many times in my life, been talented at something. Then, once I get recognition for it, I give up. I stop trying to do better.
     I have made an achievement. I have become a manager faster than anyone with no previous experience has done in this company. It’s like, my reaction has been, "oh well, I’ve achieved what I came here to do, and it doesn’t matter anymore." I know I’ve been making tonnes of mistakes. I just haven’t really made a huge effort to fix them. I’m just blindly trucking along, with my motormouth, eating up every bit of attention I can muster. Which is probably really the real reason I’m here, in this position. Anything for attention. Anything to be liked… but mostly attention.

     But I guess this is really unhealthy too… I’ve become a workaholic simply because of the desire I’m trying to fill. The need to be needed, to be paid attention to. I’m in a position of power, everything I say and do is noticed by everyone. I’m under a magnifying glass. And I’ve been eating up every second of it. I can’t tell you how good it has felt.
     I haven’t been a bad person. I’ve done my best to do good by everyone, and please everyone, for that matter. And I’ve been loving the limelight in the process.
     Now, to take a step back, and humbly shun the attention… to not talk to the people that I so desperately crave the attention of… and be the boss I know I have to be. Is overcoming something I’ve never overcome before. It’s not like I can reach into my past and use a past example of a similar circumstance… because this has been on ongoing problem in my life. I can directly trace back to the first time it happened… when I was in grade 5. 6 was worse. I always had close friends I told everything to, that then in turn told everyone what I thought was between me and that person.

     But now that I think of it… the people that have done this to me so repeatedly, have all been extremely jealous. And that makes me wonder… maybe even my elementary school perception was wrong. Maybe I didn’t have friends because they were jealous of me. Maybe those boys that made me feel ugly and awkward… maybe they liked me. Maybe those girls that talked about me to those boys told them those things because they didn’t want them to like me. Maybe I’m just a very likable person, and it creates problems.
     Hell, maybe even K, my last boss, was jealous of me. Maybe that’s why there were all those double standards for the mistakes I made, that everyone else made too.
     Maybe I’m not just a f-up. Maybe all my life, I’ve been this great person that no one could handle being around because they were too insecure. Maybe that’s why I’ve been so mistreated. Maybe that’s why I get along better with guys… because guys don’t generally get jealous of girls – they like them instead.
     And maybe that’s why I’m having such a hard time now, with D. Because he’s a guy – and he’s jealous of me.

     Maybe even my mother was jealous of me. Maybe that’s why she put me down all the time. She liked seeing me fall apart. It made her feel superior, like she wasn’t the one in the wrong for being jealous if she could make me explode.

     I guess that’s why I’ve had this problem before… and keep having it. Because I’ve never thought of myself as being someone worth being jealous over. If I had, I would know to watch out for it when it happens. I would know to be more careful.
    I have always thought that I was just this outsider person… who didn’t fit in anywhere. Who people either just loved or hated. When I was younger, I thought I was just a nobody. I thought, if only people saw me the way I thought I was… people would like me more.

    So then I just started being that person, and loving myself. And I do love myself. But I still want other people to like me. I get depressed if I don’t have that. I’m afraid of what being without this job would be like.

    I’ve been filling an addiction with it: my addiction to people. Codependency. That’s why I’ve grown a little tired of it. That’s why I’m slowing down. I’m really not even sure if I still really love it like I did.

     But that said, I think I should really stick with something. I think that’s a really important thing for me to overcome. Regardless of how I’m doing with it. But I am feeling very frustrated with it.

     I’m tired of working my ass off and still missing things. I’m tired of 50 hour weeks. Maybe I need a vacation. Like, a week. Or two. I really need it.