Be Successful, Or Have Friends

      My boss had quite the talk with me yesterday. And that’s what he said. I can be successful, or I can have friends. So I called my uncle and, in turn had a talk with him. I guess the bottom line is, I need to be more in touch with myself.

     As great as it feels to have all these friends, or, "friends", it’s superficial anyway. Or is it?

     Yeah, I guess if I’m constantly unloading my life problems onto anyone that will listen, it’s superficial. The only real friendship going on is in my head. If I’m in touch with myself more, I won’t have a need for that. And I also think that being in touch with myself is the same as my higher power, all that buddhism-type stuff that I believe in. I know the answers are inside, it’s just whether you choose to listen to them or not.

     He said people are enjoying watching me self-destruct. I question whether the only person I told was D or not. Did I tell C? I’m pretty sure I did. But that’s it. It surprises me that he would pass it on. But if D told anyone, it would be to tear me down. Which would make sense, he’s been so furiously angry with me lately. Everything I say comes out through him. Well, that one thing anyway… the thing that I could be fired for. But I talk so much anyway, that I don’t even know what I say to who. That’s how bad it is. I just open my mouth and whatever thoughts I’m thinking come out of my mouth.

     So maybe he’s right, and the only solution is for me to talk about work only to people at work. But like W said, it’s difficult for me because I don’t really have any friends here in this city.

     This is going to be a really big step for me. I’m not sure where to begin really. I don’t have a concrete solution for anything that anyone has talked to me about. Which is why I think I’m going to need some time off. I can visit family, tidy up my house, make it livable. Maybe paint that bedroom and get some new curtains. All the while I can reflect. I need a fresh look at things. I’ll have to wait for all my staff to come back from vacation.

     My role models have been W, D and N. All of whom are too close with their staff. Which is why I think I get/got along so well with all of them. But maybe there’s a lesson in that… Maybe when R was telling me that I had something to learn from E, it was that she was very distant from her staff. Which is unfortunate, because in that department, it’s very easy to get caught up talking about all kinds of things, since you’re just standing there doing the same repetitive task all day long.

     Another thing I’m having a really hard time with/believing is… well it’s difficult for me to even write in here. Because I feel like I’m bragging. And I’m also unsure as to whether it’s true or not. Both my company president guy, and my boss have told me how smart they think I am. I mean, my grandmother always has, but I didn’t believe her really. I thought she was just saying that because she had to. She’s my grandmother, after all.
     My uncle and I had a good talk. I don’t know if I should call him my sponsor now, or what. But I told him about this. He observed that I was dismissing something that might be true. I told him that I get frustrated sometimes when I’m teaching people things at work, and I can’t understand why they aren’t getting it. Especially because of the way I was thrown into everything, and taught myself how to do it. It bothers me when other people can’t figure it out, because I did it all on my own. My uncle observed that maybe it’s not the task that is simple, maybe it’s me that is intelligent.
     I want to be intelligent. I’ve always felt really stupid. I never got good marks in school. But after doing my first aid course last week, and understanding everything so well, finding it very simple, repetitive, and frustrating to sit through because I understood everything already… then doing my exam and getting one of the worst marks… I’m actually questioning… maybe it’s not that I am unintelligent after all. Maybe the system we use to gauge intelligence in our society is inaccurate. For example… I know without being told that ABCs stands for airway, breathing and circulation. I know exactly the procedure that needs to be followed to save someone’s life in first aid. I used to be a lifeguard, I get it! But when the question comes up, "what do you do for your primary survey". And I don’t know that the answer was to do your ABCs… I thought it was something else… like checking to see if the person needed help, if there was any glass or anything around that would inhibit me from safely rescuing… etc.
     But getting that question wrong doesn’t mean I don’t know how to save someone, and I don’t understand what I’ve learned. So why do we rely on this system to figure out how intelligent someone is? I have saved someone in a real life situation, and I handle emergencies really well. And I got one of the lowest marks in the class!
     Or maybe this is one of those things that isn’t about what is, or isn’t. Maybe it’s just one of those things that you have to take the facts, and perceive them however you’d like to.

     I have a lot of thinking ahead of me…