It’s Not a Relationship, But it Feels Like One

Today I didn’t have to be at work. So I didn’t have to confront the people that made me feel so upset about their perception of me. But I’m still bothered by it.

And I think I understand why. I know I really shouldn’t care about their opinion, but that’s the nature of codependency I suppose. I know those people are wrong, so what they think just should not matter at all.

Or if it does, since it’s human nature to care about your friend’s opinions, it shouldn’t affect me to quite this degree. And I also shouldn’t be wasting my time trying to figure out how to change this person’s opinion of me either.
But, however, I’m better off than I was yesterday because I’m not sad about it anymore, I’m angry.

Is it normal to be this sad about something like this? Like, if you have been doing a great job, balancing things, separating work from personal… and even if I am too personal with my staff… at the end of the day, they know that I’m their boss. If I say jump, they will ask how high… all of them.

If I’m wrong, I admit it. And I ask for their input if they think they can help. I have no problems changing direction. Maybe I’m a little inappropriate for the standards of this company, but you know what, it’s been working for me. Fuck you if you think I should be different. Maybe the reason he thinks I’m being inappropriate is because he is so much the same.

Either way, I refuse to discuss it with him. Because that gives him the right to think that I care what he thinks, and I shouldn’t. I mean, I do, but he doesn’t need to know that. If he wants to talk to me about why I seem distant/angry… all the power to him. He’ll ask why, but he will know why. It’s just the way he is.

He’s hurt me twice now… the first time was bringing that girl to dinner when he knew I liked him. Time passed, I got over it. I didn’t forget about it, but it’s hard to feel the same way about someone when they do that to you. Sitting across from the two of them was torture.

And now this… I let me staff walk all over me?!! That’s absolutely not true! Sure, I take on a lot of work because I worry they can’t handle it, and I don’t want to be perceived as the manager that doesn’t do anything. That’s not me. I will never be that manager.

And sure, that’s something I need to work on. But walk all over me?!! If that’s what he thinks, he has zero understanding of what goes on in my department. If anything, I feel I don’t do enough with the time I have, and I don’t use it effectively enough.
But I didn’t think it was because my system needed to be completely turned upside down and changed entirely. Which is what got me stressed out and asking for his help in the first place. And then he starts telling me that… ugh… and how to even talk to him about it?

It’s a very good thing we didn’t end up in a relationship, but the way we act with each other, it’s like we already are… neither of us want anything from the other… fuck I hate how he doesn’t talk about anything… it drives me bananas. I hate having to play games. Especially because it’s work related. However, I did ask for his advice, so I suppose I have to take it with a grain of salt. I can’t hate on him for that. But I’m allowed to hate his perception I suppose.

He was angry with me for awhile too, but I’m not totally sure what it was about. Maybe that’s how it’s turned into this. Fuck, I should really stop wasting my time worrying about him so much. Like he’s said before in regards to how we feel about each other, "it’s not worth it".