Still Relieved

3 1/2 years of my life. I don’t think I could ever say wasted. I learned a lot about myself, and healed a lot of other hurts. And got a new one. But it also created a lot of hurt… but I wouldn’t know what I know about myself now had I not gone through it.

Whenever I look into the past, I think that there’s a reason it happened, and a reason I am who I am now. Because the future has endless possibilities. And it’s so exciting!

I’ve created a little drama for myself since it ended. I had some really good sex on the… 14th of January? lol… and I broke up with Rob on the 1st. We slept together (not Rob) a few times after that. And I still have a bit of a crush. It’s tough not to get attached when you’re having sex. It’s such an intimate thing.

I loved every second. He’s such a gentle man… and caring… and eager to please… and good with his hands. Oh man… I don’t like oral all that much but if you’re good with your hands… I’ll orgasm multiple times until I hyperventilate. Or if you play with your hands enough and then fuck me I’ll cum lots that way too. It gets me sensitive enough that it doesn’t take much stimulation to make it happen again.

I’m learning so much about myself even now. How I rush from relationship to relationship. And if not, then there’s physical interactions to make me feel important.

I’m not sure what needs to change yet… actually, that’s not true. I’m getting an idea of what needs to change as I observe more things. It’s amazing what you can accomplish once you finally uncover what the problem is.

I think I know what I want for right now. It’s not a life plan or anything. It’s a learning experience, really. I want to travel. I want to have fun with my life. I’m so tired of obsessing over the last human interaction I had. Wondering what so-and-so thinks of me. Trying to please them, make people like me more. I really want to be liked by people. It has always been so important to me.

But if you remove what was filling the emptiness, there will just be emptiness.

People that quit smoking, or drinking, suddenly take up another addiction.

The addiction needs to be replaced with something healthy.

And it needs to be something that can really help. Something exciting. My relationship addiction? Co-dependency? is based on excitement. I’m drawn like a magnet towards dramatic people with a lot of issues. They provide the excitement I need in my life. But it’s obviously, unhealthy.

So, without creating my own drama, I need to find a way to have fun. I want to hang out with as many people, and do as many fun activities as possible, while maintaining a healthy routine, taking proper care of myself, and not becoming obsessed with anyone, or crushing on anyone.

Unfortunately, the latter has happened twice now! So I’ve got a ways to go.

So, that’s as far as I’ve gotten. But right now, I’m happy, and free 🙂