thank you for the kind words everyone

I don’t know if you’ve heard of the five stages of grief. But I do think they apply to all parts of life. Particularly relationships. They are: denial, depression, anger, bargaining then finally, acceptance. They don’t always go in that order. But for everyone (obviously) acceptance is last. Denial is generally first. For me its been denial and bargaining mostly. For a long time. And depression too. Anger is usually one of the very last things I feel before I let go for good. Right now I’m VERY angry. And trying to cover it up with fake happiness, thus hoping I can change things this way. So anger and bargaining at the same time. But not acceptance. Not yet. Accepting that he’s really not going to change? The thought almost brings me back to depression. I need more time to deal with this, but I do think our relationship will end. There’s only one reason he’s acting like this. There’s only ever been one reason. He’s an alcoholic. Weather he’s drinking or not, he’s either drinking and therefore lying and being a complete dick. Or, he’s NOT drinking and therefore miserable, and being a complete dick. I can’t control his life for him. If he chooses to drink, there’s nothing I can do about it. No intervention oer anything will change things. I’ve always known that. That’s one thing I’ve never denied, or been unable to come to terms with. But I truly believed he was trying to make a change. And u know what, he probably was. Once I’m gone, I guess he’ll figure things out. Its sad really though, because once I’m gone, that’s it. I’m gone and I’m not coming back. He’s had enough warning, and by me leaving and then coming back, he’ll just go back to the way things were. Right now, I’m not ready. But I think the day will come. I don’t know when yet, but it will happen. I do still hope, my very last thread of hope, that maybe just maybe, it will work this time. But this is truly the last chance he’s getting. I hurt too much.