oh god someone please help me

I feel so completely alone right now. And how pathetic is it that I’m writing this on the internet?
How do you really know if something is your fault? What if I’m just completely wrong? What if I’m really the crazy one?!
I don’t know what the fuck to do. I need some perspective. I can hear all the opinions I want but really… What do I do?!
I tried to communicate everything properly from the book I have and I didn’t even get anywhere with Rob at all. Nothing. But I’m the crazy one. I’m still lazy.
I feel terrible. He’s right that I haven’t done much lately around the house, but he’s completely unable to see that I’ve been working a lot, working in two departments, some really big chnages! Its not easy working in such a destructive environment, even if the store manager is on my side.
But Rob can’t, and won’t see that. He’s not very introspective or understanding.
I went through a period of eight months where he did NOTHING. He’s right I bring that up far too often.
A lot of the mess in the house is his. I really don’t have a lot. Its his tools, they’re all over the place.
This isn’t what I want. I didn’t sign up for this. I might not know exactly what I want, but its not to feel like this. I mean, I feel pretty shitty most of the time, but when I actually cry, I can really feel it coming out.
Is it really me? Am I really that difficult?! This is insane… I feel like a mental case…
There’s a big party going on outside, and I’m in here, laying in bed crying and writing on my online fucking diary. There’s got to be something wrong with me.
Its only going to illustrate to my landlords how crazy I really am if I don’t come out. I dunno, maybe I’ll just tell them I was tired.
Problem is, I know I would be just as much of a bitch to Rob if it were me that were unemployed and him that were too exhausted to clean.
I don’t know how much more I can handle this… But where do I go from here?

Captain Oscar

May 23, 2011

I thought the notes were gone (deleted?), but I saw the entry is repeated. This is what I have done with roommates. You make the mess, you clean it policy. Especially the sink. I have packed all my dishware in boxes and kept one plate, one fork and one spoon, one cup to adamantly do this. I cleaned my things and kept them in MY ROOM to prevent roommates from using and not washing my things.

it’s drastic but very effective to go thru the place, clean all your things, keep up on your things and watch that the other’s messes accumulate. And don’t give them a hard time, just save it for if they ever go off on you “well look around the place at your mess.” If you’re tired, just hang out in your room, watch tv and go to sleep. I’ve done that and you appeared to not want to involve yourse

…lf/ party anyways. It probably just seems like a mess you’ll have to clean up (after them) if you do anyways.

you’re doing all the reading and researching, WHILE you’re working 2 jobs. I’m so damn sick of all the rehabs where the “abuser” has to go away and change themselves when all the enablers in the environment have to report to no one when it’s clear the abuser has justification in being “the victim.”

Ms. Hopeful

May 24, 2011

This is my first time reading any of your entries. I don’t know what you’re going through but I do know that time to yourself and finding a place of peace amongst all the chaos is the best way to start. And it’s easier said then done, I know! I’ve been there.. I’m there now! Hugs. I’ll check back to your diary. keep your head up 🙂

oh.lizzie.luv

May 25, 2011

I haven’t been on here in a while, but I’ve read your entries before. My little sister and I have a saying- we think that crazy is the seasoning in life- that crazy is endearing. Really, crazy is just normal- and the interactions are people defending themselves, manipulating their own feelings so they can justify lashing out- we all do it. It’s not right and wrong, it’s feelings, it’s life

just calm….take a deep breath….and exhale. 🙂

You ask questions there, so I can answer only with my opinions. I do not know you but I know this, usually when a person feels like that there is something in life that is too overwhelming for them. Never think that you are crazy because most times the reality is that “crazy” people think that they are normal and they never think that they are crazy, so the fact that you are asking if you are crazy makes you normal lol. All I mean is , that it is probably not as bad as you think . Your title says be yourself –so , if you do not want to go down to the party –do that be yourself and do NOT go.

2. Avoiding a party is not the end of the world, nor is it not normal. There are no rules in life that demand that a human go to each and every party that happens. Instead of seeing yourself as crazy, see yourself as fussy. That particular party isn’t for you–whether it is because you are tired or whether it is because you just do not want to go. Whatever you do, make the choice YOURS, not someone else’s choice.