Back Again

     Well, it’s been an awfully long time since I last wrote…I didn’t end up being pregnant for those of you that read that one entry…

I’m finally laid off work, so I got to see my family in southern ontario for the first time in a year! I also visited the ranch, volunteered for a week, etc. I was pretty busy…

Then I went to Ottawa to be with Rob for a week, and ended up staying for 2. The first 3 days or so were awesome, we missed each other so much that we were completely obsessed with each other. My thoughts changed completely. There were along the lines of this:

"I have to respect that Rob isn’t me. I have to stop trying to make him what I want him to be and love him for who he is. That’s why I fell in love with him in the first place, isn’t it? Isn’t that what love is anyways? Maybe marriage really isn’t about finding someone a lot like you, just like Nanny said. Maybe it’s about finding someone that you get along with and feel strongly about. Maybe they really don’t have to be this phenominally amazing person that you idolize. Maybe this is just it. And maybe I should stop thinking that ‘this is it, this is good enough’. Maybe I should just love everything about him and stop thinking so negatively. I love him, bottom line. And he’s great for who he is."

And the days that I was thinking like that, he was clearly thinking like that too. We didn’t argue, and everything was nearly perfect for the first little while. We were completley obsessed with each other and we had sex like 6 times or so in the first day we were together.

But after this feeling went away, it progressed into a sort of comfortable feeling with each other. Which was nice, but not as exciting as the "I can never get enough of you" excitement of the first few days.
But by the end of that phase, I could feel and notice myself progressing back into my negative thought pattern. I was starting to dislike his company, and it upset me because I wanted to enjoy that happy feeling during my whole visit, and I couldn’t understand how I could have a drastic change, I knew the positivity was going to change when it started, because I know my cycle too well…I even planned on asking him to be my b/f again if the feeling lasted long enough.

So I had a bit of a cryfest, and talked to him about it. He said that it didn’t really upset him all that much anymore because he was so familiar with my cycle of hate and love. Although he was smiling at me, he looked as though he was hiding tears…

It wasn’t too much longer after that we were fighting like crazy and I wanted to leave. But I stayed another bloody week!
Our fights would go like this:
I would decide that I didn’t want to fight with him on this particular day: I was going to try my hardest to get along and make it a fun day because I didn’t want to be an irritating bitch.
Then he would be a complete dick, I would do nothing wrong, and blame him for always being an asshole.
The next day, he would decide that he was going to make up for being a jerk, and try to avoid fighting.
Too bad I was already bitter about him being a jerk and it would be my turn to be a bitch, as a result, it was his turn to blame everything on me.

If it didn’t follow that pattern it was because one or both of us were stressed about something and miraculasly lost all logic and sense of communication and wanted everything to be our way, and nothing the other person said or did could be good enough for us.

I just got back in Thunder Bay yesterday, so I’m still irritated with him, and my thinking is along the lines of, "this will never work, I have to spend enough time away from him to get over him so I don’t need him in this intense way. If I don’t break it off completely, I can still have him but yet I’m far enough away that I can move on in a gradual way and hopefully we’ll forget about each other and neither of us will hurt too badly. But if I change my mind at least he’ll still be there".
It’s nearly 3pm and I haven’t gotten out of bed yet or eaten. I don’t feel like doing anything or talking to anyone because nothing interests me.
I don’t seem to ever have motivation unless it involves a boy! I don’t want to be this way, I want to change, I don’t know how or where to start and I need professional help!!
I keep thinking about him and how awful it is that we aren’t together, how safe I feel when we’re together. Yet at the same time I know how miserable I am when we’re together. I don’t know what to do, how to get myself out of this rut…I know I can’t change him, he’s got issues too. I just really need time for me. I want to learn to be happy on my own but I don’t know where to begin!
I’m tired of being needy, be it in a relationship or by using sex to get attention…I want to enjoy life and stop putting down activities and people that make me feel good so that I’m not as dissappointed when I lose them…I wish the hospital system would hurry itself up!!!