Right now I am Feeling:

     I feel like I want to go out, have a good time and feel loved. That’s the way I have always felt before…I think that’s what going out was like for me. I wanted to go out and be this person that everyone loved.

But I feel like that’s not a realistic way to think. I’ve created this imaginary world. Instead, now I don’t want to go out because I don’t really give a fuck about anybody.

Well guess what?! I WANT to give a fuck about somebody…I want to care, I want to feel good and I want to live!! I want to crawl out of this fucking hole that is my brain and start feeling good!

It’s like, when I was doing all of this sleeping around, being social with people, etc. I didn’t do it because I liked socializing, I did it because I was DEMANDING for other people to love me. And I didn’t want to have to love them back, I just wanted to be loved.

That’s why I couldn’t fit in even though I was outgoing, etc. Because it was obvious that I didn’t really give a shit. And people want someone who is genuine. That just wasn’t me.

I feel safe being alone today. No one can judge, no one can tell me what to do. I can just be me, do as I please and not be criticized. It’s like a whole world of possibilities. I’m not the type of person to conform. I want to still be me, but the problem is, I don’t know who I am.

Now, as safe as I feel being alone, I want to escape. I know that it’s not normal and I want to get out of here and feel. Then there are days when I’m feeling a little bit good, and I’ll do anything to get out of here and socialize. But even then, socializing doesn’t feel real.

I want to clean up this mess that I live in, organize some stuff, and make this really feel like my space. But today, I just feel dead inside. I feel dead inside a lot, and I don’t like it. *sigh*