Strange Wonderings…

     Ok, so I’m sitting here, procrastinating. I have lots to do. But I’m sitting here looking at old facebook pictures, and reflecting. I’m wondering if maybe I really was happy when I was in college.

I know that after my breakup with STeve, I had to do something to make myself happy. I had to MAKE myself happy, because I realized, that was the only way I could do it. It had to come from me. But I’m starting to wonder…was I really, truly happy?

     I mean, I really, really put myself into this world of guys, doing stupid things nearly every weekend, and when I felt really lonely, I had guy friends that I referred to as, "cuddle buddies". Is that really healthy? Guys that like to have someone to cuddle with, and use it as an excuse, nearly always told me either then, or at some point that they actually really liked me.

     I’m starting to think a little bit more about what the social worker implied. That I’ve never really, truly taken a break for me. I’ve always sort of disguised my loneliness and insecurity with other things.

     I’m wondering if being in a relationship is really such a good idea. And I’m not quite sure what to do. I really shouldnt think so much…but I am anyway.

    Man, I’ve spent every waking moment these holidays with Rob, and it’s really weird because now that I’m not at his house, and we’re back at mine, I feel a whole new perspective. I’m questioning our relationship again.

Last night I had a dream that I was in a relationship with Steve. Almost like Rob WAS Steve. Whoever he was, he was really cuddly, and I couldn’t shake the feeling like I needed some space from him.
     But the place we were in, it was weird, there were horses, and fish tanks…and snakes living in the fish tanks with the fish…the b/f (Rob/Steve), had to go away for awhile, and I was relieved that I was going to get some space.
     But the place we were in was kind of like college because there were a lot of people there.
     And this guy showed up that was living there with me and all the people, kind of like residence. He was very sure of himself, very confidant, very secure. Very fair, and sort of kind and considerate of everyone. And a very good communicator. And he stirred something deep inside of me.
     I wanted to be close to him, but I was still in love with Steve/Rob. So I told him how I felt, about my insecurities, and all about my feelings. He said that it was very brave of me to speak so openly to him, and to acknowledge my feelings like that.
     I told him that I am a very blunt person and I always speak that way. Then I woke up.

     I rolled over and Rob asked me if I was awake, I told him no. He tried to cuddle with me, and I just got so frustrated. All he ever wants to do is cuddle, and it’s just too much!! It’s so constant, and I need a little personal bubble sometimes! Not only that but it was really hot in my room because I turned up my heater a little too much and we were under this huge duvet…

Anywhoo…he’s gone to work out so I have the house to myself and a bit of space for just me. Time to stop procrastinating.