The Beginnings of an Answer

    I have spent hours upon countless hours for the last two years, trying to improve myself. WEll, my whole life I have been trying to improve myself. What I mean is, the last two years, I have been trying to avoid being such an emotional, crazy, obsessive pesron when it came to guys. I have spent every waking moment trying to avoid being attached to guys, forced myself to believe that, "security guard was too short anyway", "so and so had a weird face anyway", "we never would have got along anyway", "we didn’t even like the same music", "he’s kind of ugly, it doesn’t matter if I like him, he’s not good enough", "his penis was too big", man, the list just goes on and on.

     I had thoughts like this about every guy to the point where I really did believe everything about them. I am starting to wonder if I really was over Steve at all anyway. After I talked to him a few weeks ago on msn, I couldn’t even believe how much the emotions just came flowing back, almost like no time had passed at all. IT still hurt me when he said, "you know, we just weren’t right for each other anyway". I coudln’t believe that I could still feel so much emotion over something that happened so long ago! (although I must say, the feeling was not as intense as it once was)

I think that to get over him, I really only just convinced myself that I was over him, I wonder if I ever really got over him at all. It’s not like I’ve even seen him since the day he broke up with me. So how would I know?

And lately, I’ve been feeling really strongly about Rob. I’m really not sure if it’s because of this whole Marissa bullshit, that maybe the jealousy made me feel something a little bit more strongly then I had before. I guess I haven’t had the opportunity to feel jealous with Rob at all because he doesnt’ talk to girls at all ever. only guys. I always know exactly where he is and what he’s doing. I never have the chance to wonder. And it’s funny because, that’s exactly what all of those relationship self-help books tell you. "give the other person the chance to miss you, keep your own life, dont make them the centre of everything because they will lose interest". I guess it works both ways, and I’m beginning to see that first hand.

Another weird thing that’s been going on with me lately, is…well ok…backstory a little bit. I don’t know if everyone does it, but I know some people do…lol, sometimes to make a thought more solid, I whisper it to myself out loud if I’m alone. So sometimes, when I’m talking to myself, I catch myself calling Rob by Steve’s name. I don’t know what to make of that! Is it because I’m bringing back the way I used to feel about Steve?

I feel very similar to the way I used to feel with Steve that I do towards Robby now…just that dull, constant glow that doesn’t go away. The same glow that puts me to sleep at night and wakes me up every morning. That beautiful feeling that I thought died forever, is slowly coming back, no matter how I beat it down. That feeling that made me feel dead inside when I thought it was lost, that feeling that made me want to die, that made me want to reach around Steve into his knife set and thrust deep into my heart so he could physically see the pain he was bringing me in that moment…so the physical blood that would gush outside of my gaping wounds could show him physically what I was feeling emotionally…is slowly starting to come back.

I told myself that it was the end…what I don’t understand is if it was also myself that wanted to see the end of Steve, or if I saw the end through his eyes. If the former, then the truth would be of which I can not bring myself to speak. If the latter, there is hope for us yet.

For now, I want to let this feeling grow and blossom, and see what becomes of it. Because it is beautiful, and I can’t let something as beautiful as this go.