NoJoMo Day 16…missed 1 million officially lol

So, weekend was a little dramatic I guess…Saturday was fun, it was Rob’s grandmother’s bday so we had a nice dinner with her, and then we ended up at East Side Mario’s to watch UFC. A bunch of Rob’s friends were going so we went too. Rob wasn’t actually really all that interested in it, but I thought it was pretty interesting. It’s not really something that I would watch all the time really, but if I was watching it with people, I’d go for it.

Rob was being a bit of an idiot last night after was got home, he was just pissing me right off. Just completely off in his own little world, it was so stupid. I tried to leave him alone and give him space so he would start thinking rationally, which is usually what happens. But this time he just got worse no matter what I did. The next morning I talked to him and it turns out that he had had more to drink than he thought he had. I replayed the whole event to him, and he did apologize for being a moron.

I also told him what I had been thinking all weekend but what I had been afraid to say. I told him that I didn’t see myself getting married to him, and he was really upset. Tearing up like he usually does, but hiding his face from me in my chest, or my neck. I felt bad, but I thought it was best if I told him my thoughts so he could make up his own mind.

We discussed it a lot and then he suddenly got up and went outside. I heard some loud banging, and when he came back in I asked him what was up. He said that he had a part on his truck that he had replaced and he took the old broken part, and smashed it. He said it made him feel better. Then he said, "I hope you realize that I’m pretending like what you said wasn’t even real." He went on to explain that’s just the way he is (as he’s told me before) He said that he’s a product of his grandparents and because that’s what they do, that’s what he does. He said that he’s just going to take what I said as, "I just can’t see that far into the future"

Man, I just keep feeling worse and worse as this relationship goes. I just get more and more depressed. The funny thing is, he’s the best thing I’ve got going in my life right now!

I probably shouldn’t still be with him if I don’t see myself being with him for the rest of my life. It’s leading him on because that’s what he wants. It’s probably not fair to be with him if I see and end to our relationship. I love him, but I just can’t get past this feeling of something missing. I know he feels connected to me, he says he’s never felt this connected with a girl. I can’t help but feel there’s something missing, and there’s a whole other dimension of me that he can’t and will never be able to reach.

I guess it’s a matter of getting past the fact that I love him so much…but I think that for right now…we need each other.