Freaking Out a Bit

Having a mad freakout right now…so Robby and I are finally together…all of a sudden everything is really real. My emotions are getting the better of me and I’m acting retarded in normal situations…I’m nervous at the weirdest times. Completely scatterbrained where I never was before…my confidence is shot. Completely shot. I don’t feel like the hottest girl in the room anymore, I feel inferior to the girls around me. I want to keep my independant, confident, self, but I’ve become this weirdo all over again. I don’t know how to make it go away.
    I’m falling in love with Robby and I don’t want to. I don’t want to love, I don’t want to be hurt, I don’t want him to see my soul. I only want him to see the protected, hidden me, that’s what he’s falling in love with. I know I always let things go too fast, but I think it’s the only way I really know how.
    Next time I see him I have to be more on guard, I can’t let him see me all retarded like that again…I mean, usually I’m stupid with him, and by stupid I mean all couply, kissy and ridiculous. But I think I let it show too much today.
    I need to get a hold of myself, he can’t see me like that…why am I freaking out like this? I was so sure of what he thought of me and what he and I were before now. How is this happening so fast? I can’t seem to stop my own emotions…but really, I need to think logically here. I need to re-read the facebook messages he’s sent me, etc. If he didn’t care, didn’t really mean it, he wouldn’t say the things he’s been saying.
    It’s better that I …or maybe it’s not…I’m don’t fucking know.
    I’m thinking that it’s better that I don’t let myself love him and hurt him by moving away, then I put myself in the line of fire by really showing him how I feel. I don’t know I’m just being retarded.
    But it’s like the people at work said…you can’t let someone go just because they are lacking one thing. If you really care about someone, then care about them.

    I’m still following the same pattern, as much as I’m trying not to…I just don’t want to sacrifice everything for a guy to have my world shattered all over again. I can’t do that again…that’s why I have to keep my guard up and keep my wits about me. No more of this girly shit…but he has my heart already…there’s nothing I can do about it! I want to run away, as far and as fast as I can. I really don’t know what to do at all.
    I always say to just follow your heart. But I guess I just don’t know what my heart is telling me right now. I freak out like this over him all the time. Well, maybe not quite like this. Not this bad, and not in this way. Usually it’s a simple thought like, why hasn’t he called me yet…or, he thinks I’m stupid. He just rolled his eyes at me…fuck I need a guidance councellor to get me through this.

    Maybe I’ll get my chance to talk to him about this? I don’t know…fuck I have crazy trust issues! Maybe I should just stop thinking about him for awhile. grr…but that’s what all of this is about…I can’t get him out of my head! If I could, I wouldn’t be with him right now. And I think my whole thing about looking for the absolutely perfect guy might even just be a scheme for me to imagine myself not being hurt.
    I’m getting to the point now where I can’t see myself breaking up with Robby, at all. Already…and it’s been a month. I don’t know what to do…I can’t get out of this anymore, it’s too late. I really do love him.
    This is just too much, I can’t believe it’s happening, I can’t believe it’s real…and it’s here…

    What is it about him? Why can’t I just…let him go..why are we together? Do I like him because he’s an asshole? Because apparently I have a 6th sense for assholes…any guy I like is one, through and through.
    Nope, I don’t think there is a way out of this one.