Feeling Slightly Disturbed

     I’m starting to see more and more similarities between April (my biological mother) and I. It’s really scary, because I have spent most of my life thinking that she is a crazy person that I shouldn’t be in contact with. It scared the shit out of me that we could be even remotely similar. I’ve been ignoring it for a really long time.

My first clue was that I was sleeping around…I felt horrible about myself the whole time. But then I started to realize that other people sleep around too, I just happen to be worse at hiding it. And I have been with more people over a short amount of time.

Then I started thinking about how she seems to get attached to guys really easily, and gets carried away. She tends to tell everyone about the guy too early, and then gets crushed by them and has to tell everyone what happened. I’m startign to realize that I do the exact same thing. I noticed this ages ago…but I think I have just been in denial for a really long time. I’ve been thinking to myself that it’s a really bad thing to be that way. And you know what, it is…it freaking sucks to get hurt all the time but…why should I frown upon that? It’s not my place to judge!! Even if I wasn’t that way and April was…what place do I have as a human being to be critical of something like that?

I’m very curious and interested to know about all of them suddenly…I’m not quite sure why…a lot of things have been pointing me in the direction of spending time with them in person. I would be interested to know my cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. I have them all on facebook already, but I’ve always just kind of shrugged them off when I notice that they’ve put pictures up and stuff. I’ve been looking through their pictures for the last hour or so, I’m just fascinated…weird eh?

My interest started off with a dream about a baby I had, that after a few years I had to give up for adoption, I was depressed. I woke up as soon as the adopted part came and it really got me thinking, because my first thought was of April. It made me really think…a lot of people would say that she is a very strong person for having the strength to give me up. A lot of people say that about the decisions I have made as well…and I am really starting to see the similarities. I’m realizing that it’s not really so bad after all…despite everything she has been through…although I guess I shouldn’t jump the gun, after all, I don’t know these people really.

     The one thing that just amazes me is how beautiful all of the people in my biological family are. Especially Sarah, she’s just gorgeous. That really makes me wonder, because I think I look the most like her, even moreso then April. Weird eh?

But she’s not just like, some hot person…she’s more then that, she is absolutely, serenely, quietly, astoundingly beautiful. You know how it is, like you see a picture of a hot girl, and you’re like, ya fuck she’s hot. And most pretty girls just look like sex objects, but she’s not like that. She’s just beautiful. I’m not sure I can really describe…

     The others are pretty too, but in different ways. Angie is pretty, but she’s a party-animal kind of pretty…hard to explain…but seems like she isn’t as maternal as Sarah, just kind of likes to do her own party thing.

     Alissa is pretty I guess, but I think she must feel very outshadowed by her sisters. She is the youngest one and she just looks so different! She has a very youthful face, she doesn’t look old enough really to be a mother, almost lol. But I guess she is 30!

     Another thing I’ve noticed is the men that they seem to be with. They are all with very attractive, muscular men, very macho. But the men they are with seem to have a slight aggressive edge to them, really. Hardly noticable, really…just in their demeanor. Just something about them…but it’s funny because I am attracted to guys like that too!

April isn’t very pretty, I don’t think. I do think that’s from years of drug abuse though. She looks so much older then she is.

    Something else I’ve noticed about myself recently is that I contradict myself all the time…when I tell people things. It makes sense now why the people I work with think that I lie! I say one thing and then the complete opposite without meaning to or realizing it. When I was talking to my crew about Ryan for example…I said he was a nice guy then later I told them that he was a complete dick. But both are true! lol…so how do you explain that?

     That’s another thing that brings me back to April…she often says things and then the opposite later. So maybe both things that she says are true…maybe she’s not a liar like I think she is…

I do’nt know, I guess I just think that there are more similarities there then I’ve been giving credit. I think it’s time to look within myself and accept everything…as much as I thought I had already done that…clearly I haven’t accepted completely because if I had I would have been ready for this a long time ago. By the time the fall comes around and this family picture thing comes about, I’ll hopefully be even more ready then I am now.

     🙂