Maybe I’m just drunk…

     I don’t know, maybe I’m just drunk but this whole realization that I’m such a fucking attention seeker is really making me learn a lot of other things about myself.

     The whole night I just kept thinking that I couoldn’t have been better than *k*. It’s all because she was getting attention and I wasn’t. I"m not secure enough within myself to stop and think that maybe it’s ok that someone else is getting attention, she’s clearly not a person of high self esteem and hasn’t had a lot of attention herself. Why is it so hard for me to allow her to have that happiness?

     Holy crap, I really have become so conceited. It’s like my entire being depends on just being heard. That really can’t be a good thing. The only thing is that I’m not sure if that’s something I should let go or something I should accept about myself. I jsut don’t know. Everything I do is based on what other people think. I want to be noticed, I want to be heard. Maybe that’s why I write in here.

     I don’t know…I really do think that it’s kind of a part of me…one of those things that you can kind of fight but never really win, because I live to be heard…I live so I can get some recognition, because I"m so tired of being invisible. I dont’ want to be invisible anymore…I want someone to hear my screams…my anguish of my past, my demands of now. I want to exist.