What I did on my 20 hour drive up north…

April 29th, 2008. 5:45pm
The forest doesn’t say a word. I get nothing but silence. My head swims with thought, always. too much thought accentuates negativity.
    Avoid all thought of men. Don’t think about men. You will only end up obsessing over the next one and ruining it. Time to slow down. No more of this.
    I can hear the sound of the computer keys above the dull roar of the breeze the car makes from the highway. The distant chatter of my grandparents. But I remain here, lost in my thoughts away from them: Older people aren’t as impressionable as younger ones. They have learned the ways of the world and accepted them as their reality. Children have the ability to see anything. They are not set in any one way and their mind can change drastically about a subject. This makes them better able to adapt. I think this is good.
    What a weird thing for me to do, sit here and type every little thought that comes through my mind.
    Nothing else to do, why ever not?
    I want to have lots more to do when I get to Tbay. I would rather be a busy person, but I wonder if I ever will be. Maybe I’ll sign up for some community thing to do when I get there. I suppose that would be really fun, just so long as I don’t get so caught up with some guy that I don’t follow through on my goals. No more of that. Time to be independant.
    I wonder what makes Marlee and I both so loving and so stern in our grudges. What is it in our environment that brings us to the same solution in a situation?
    "I’m a very giving person to my friends. I’m very loving and very giving, but the second you stab me in the back, you’d better watch out because there will be hell to pay. I will always get even ten times worse" was what I said to Marlee.
    She looked at me with wide eyes and said, "I have said those exact words so many times!"
    Funny that we should both think the same way. Now what on earth would lead a person to think something like that? I really can’t think of anything. I think that that is a deep question that will take some figuring. Interesting thought though.

11:33pm
    I love men. I love how they show such little emotion, how they can take pain, how they are so big, tough and strong. Even those that aren’t a stereotypical male…they are also beautiful…they all have the ability to perform. They all do.
    My biggest turn on is watching a guy finish. I love absolutely everything about that moment. Just knowing that the sensations going through their mind are some of the best a human being can experience, knowing that I did that for them. I love watching them enjoying themselves.
    A man can be as unemotional as he pleases, but in bed, he has to be expressive. I can’t stand it if he’s not. I can never stay satisified by a guy who doesn’t express himself, but I especially love when he is vocal. There’s nothing like it…nothing. (sexually anyway)

    It’s cute the way a chihuahua is, somehow, the same as a big dog. It’s like he doens’t know his size, but yet he is still a dog in every way, just as much as a lab or retriever. Some people find it endearing.
    I use this as an analogy to desribe how I feel about men. I love men that are the essence of every man. That is the man I look for. All the others leading up to him are just chihuahuas. But like the chihuahua lover, I find them all endearing and sweet. I love the way men that don’t quite measure up still do everything that my man would do…there are but a handful of men that I think of as, physically, a pure man. Even so, none of them are men at all. They are all just boys. The one I find will be, in every way, a man.
    A fox is like both a cat and a dog combined. When gazing at one from a distance, it is difficult to tell what it is exactly. It is beautiful, mysterious, and somehow familiar and exotically unfamiliar at the same time. There is nothing quite like it, in the world.
    I look for that beauty, that something that nothing else has, yet I am just as in love with dogs and cats as the rest our western society is.
    Foxes have not yet been domesticated, but here I am going through pet after pet, looking for something that I can’t have, can’t be tamed, has not been discovered, has never been done and is so rare I wonder if I’ll ever get a hold of it. I am a blind man reaching for the wisp of a cloud.
    Whoever he is, wherever he is, he’s sure to really be something. I love every man I find along my way, but forget each one as I go, and move on to the next as if the last never existed. Yet I love each one always.
    Women don’t like when I have been with their men. All the men realize that I’m not what they wanted. I am just a body for them to enjoy, but I embrace theirs with mine so well that I think it is sometimes mistaken for something other than what it is.
    Yet sometimes it’s the other way around. Sometimes I want it to be more, but they are very aware that I am just…a piece of ass.