Can’t escape

     I can’t escape myself, I can’t escape my own head. I want to get away and I don’t know how. I’m losing my mind. Maybe I just should have left rez when I could. I should have left when I had the chance during reading week…I feel massively insecure and I’m losing my head…
     I’m going crazy…I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want to think about it, I don’t even want to do something else to get my mind off it. To put it quite simply I am a mental case inside my own world…I feel like everyone I talk to doens’t really want to hear from me. Like I’m just awkward…no, that must be all just in my head. Just because I had one awkward moment I’m basing it all on that…I want to cut myself, I want to feel the tension leave my body with the pain, watch it ooze from me as the blood flows…I don’t want to be here!
      I just can’t escape my own head, I’m so sick of everything right now! Sick of games, sick of fake people…sick of wanting to be close to people that I know will never truly understand me, sick of wanting drama to satisfy my need for it, why do I have a need for it?
     The only answer is emotional abuse. I seek it just like every other emotionally abused person does. I know there are people that have had it much worse than I have, but I have to say that I am merely venting in this stupid site just because it’s the only thing that makes me feel better.
     People that have suffered emotional abuse don’t know how to function like most other people do, how to enjoy life’s happy pleasures simply for their own joy. They thrive on great emotional pain and enjoy happiness from the "forgiving side of it". When things are better after a big emotional upset, that is their happy time. My mom is just like that.
     My mom isn’t coming to my ring ceremony, is that what this is all about? No, I think there’s more than that. I think there’s a lot on my plate right now. I don’t know how to deal with all this, I want to get a good job, and I should really be working on my resume right now but all I can think about is how I hate everything, I just want to die sometimes…