Not sure about myself

     I feel so bored with everything. I haven’t been drinking, maybe that’s why. But it’s like I don’t care about anyone really, it’s like I’m friends with some of these people just to prove that I can be friends with them. I’m wondering if that’s my stimulation, like that’s my challenge that keeps me interested. Like I’m being someone that I’m not just for the sheer challenge of it. I’m getting bored of all my old friendships, I keep getting bored of people. it’s so weird.

      I mean, bored of people that are my close friends. It’s like the second they show that one tiny little thing that I decide I don’t like and I don’t want to be friends with them anymore. Like people have their faults, why do I care, why do all those tiny little things matter?

     Maybe it’s because I have lived with drama my whole life and I don’t know how to function with normal life situations. Either that or I’m just reading into things too much. But it kind of makes sense…pretending to be someone that I"m not and trying too hard to fit in with people that I really don’t have a lot in common with. That’s my challenge, it’s like I’m doing it just to prove to myself that I can do it. Or maybe I’m not, maybe I’m still being myself and I just don’t realize it.

      I guess I’m just not really completely sure what "myself" really is. I’m not sure what I think of things, and how I think the world, or our social society, should percieve things. I suppose that’s what makes me insecure…I’m not sure what I think of myself. I guess that’s what makes me feel so awkward around people.

     Well, I still don’t have all the answers, or know myself completely, but I think I definately have a better grip on the world than a lot of people. Sometimes I wonder, where is my maturity level at? Am I at my own age? Or am I younger, or maybe even older? Is that a ridiculous thing to wonder?