I love you mum

     So I’ve been laying here trying to sleep and the thoughts are just running thru my head nonstop! Xmas is coming soon and even though I asked my dad in August, I don’t think I’m going to be able to go home. My mum’s a little crazy…but I have been sitting here trying to think of all the things that I wish I could say to her that I don’t think would ever make a difference. Not until she has an emotional breakdown or my parents get a divorce. So here’s what I wish I could say.

     Dear Mum. I want you to know that I love you. I also want you to know that I am not incapable, a freak, a loser or anything else that you may have called me in the past. I am a very fair, kind, gentle giving person. I am funny, loving, adventurous and fun to be around. I like to laugh and make people laugh. I may be a little emotional at times, but I am a good person at heart.
      I am not too easily angered and when I am frustrated, I deal with it rather well. I know when I need my space, and take it as needed. Not very many people push my buttons enough to make me really angry. When I do get angry, I usually get over it rather quickly, and I am always ready to admit when I am wrong.
     These are the things I have learned about myself since I have moved out of your home. It makes me wonder how it is that I got so angry that I would have hit you! I have never had that problem since I have lived with you. Nothing has gotten me even close to being so angry or frustrated that I would want to hit someone.

     I also have a really low self esteem. I’m really not sure why…what could have happened that I would think so badly of myself that I would cut my wrists? I truly hated myself for a long time, and blamed myself for everything. I would overreact over the smallest things, still do! I worry a lot about little things. I stress out a lot about the tiniest thing…and I almost always think or assume that people either don’t like me or are talking about me behind my back. What makes a person that way? Why would someone worry a lot about insignificant things? Or be afraid to do things, normal things…

     When I was living with Steve, his parents asked me to cook for them one night. Steve’s dad wasn’t going to be around to make it and it wouldn’t be ready on time for his mom when she came home from work. His dad told me that he wanted to make chicken. I really wasn’t confident about doing it and I asked him how to do it. He showed me and then he left. I had everything ready on time, but when the chicken came out of the oven, it wasn’t cooked enough. Everyone had to take theirs off their plates so they didn’t get salmonella.
     They thought it was kind of funny. Nowadays, I probably would just laugh. I knew them well enough that it should have been funny. But instead, I broke out into a sweat and started to cry. Because in my house, I was never allowed to do anything, mum. I was always wrong, no matter how I did anything, or before I even did anything. I wasn’t allowed to do anything, or help with anything, because before I even started, I was wrong.

     Do you ever cry mum? Do you ever laugh with your whole being? Have you ever seen someone hurting so bad that it made you hurt too? Have you ever seen a social outcast and reached out to them? Do you love? Do you love me? Do you care what happens to me? If I was lying in a ditch somewhere, what would you say? I have a feeling it wouldn’t be, "how could that have happened to her?" no, I don’t have a feeling, I know exactly what you would be thinking. Even though I don’t know you, I know your reaction and response to anything and everything that someone might say. I had to learn that growing up, that was a necessity because if I didn’t, you would be angry. Do you ever feel anything but anger?
      Here’s what you would say, "I knew that would happen. She was always getting herself into trouble". But you don’t know me. You only see the side of me that is scared of you. I can’t be myself around you. When I try, I get that same reaction…always the same.

     I remember at Grandma’s surprise birthday party. Was it two years ago? My sister, her friend, her friend’s mum, you and me were all standing having a conversation. Her friend’s mum said a few things that I thought you would be really offended by. I don’t remember what it was, but she had a strange sense of humour. And you laughed…you actually seemed to like the woman. I was completely flabbergasted! I don’t remember the conversation, or what was said…but I remember making a comment that I was sure everyone would think was funny. Everyone did, except you. I couldn’t figure it out…it was a sarcastic comment that I normally wouldn’t make at all…it was one just like you would say. Not my sense of humour at all, but right up your alley. And you gave me a dirty look, like I had just humiliated you.

     My whole life I just wanted to be accepted by you. There was nothing, literally nothing that ever made me happier then the few hours or so that you and I would get along. It would never last for long, no matter how hard I tried. I could never make you happy.

     There were times, when Daddy wasn’t there…you would get this look on your face, like you wanted a fight. You would push my every last button…I would try so hard not to lose it…because I knew as soon as Daddy got home you would say, "see, this is what she does when you’re not here, this is why I can’t be alone with her".

     Do you remember the time that I snapped when you were cleaning my room? It couldn’t have been a week or two after I pulled out all your hair in the car…so many hours were spent with Nanny (your mum) talking, discussing, going over what happened again and again. Me apologizing, us trying to come up with solutions so I wouldn’t snap like that. Nanny told me that I need to recognize when I need space, and to tell you.

     You bugged me for ages to clean my room, and I kept not doing it, etc. etc. (like every other 13 year old)…you came in my room just after we had been arguing about it. I remember saying, "mum, I’m very angry and I need so

me space".
     "oh don’t be ridiculous, I’m helping you clean"
     "but I don’t want you going through my stuff"
     "you’re fine just help me clean"
      "mum, I’m really mad right now!"
     Or something along those lines…I don’t remember how it happened…my next memory is of Daddy running in and pulling me off of you, holding me up by my throat because I was so out of control that he couldn’t stop me. Then I remember him pinning me to the floor with his knees and holding my throat with the other hand because I kept trying to kick him in the balls.

     Do you remember the car incident? Do you remember why I snapped? It’s stupid really, it wasn’t a big deal at all. We were driving along, we were coming from somewhere, I’m not sure where we had been. We were listening to a song on the radio that I didn’t like. My sister loved it! We listened to the whole thing, then you changed the station. The same song was playing again. I complained and asked if we could change it. You said no, and turned it up louder. That’s when I lost it…well you know the rest.

     I guess my point is…I have never snapped like that since I left your house. I have never had one of my roomates purposely do something to annoy me, and then  just knocked her face in! And I put up with some pretty tough shit last year! There was one girl that reminded me a lot of you, but leaving rez and going for a walk was a quick solution to my anger.
     What I’m really trying to say is, people don’t just snap like that for no reason. They don’t. I don’t. It takes a LOT to get me that angry. I have learned that about myself since I have gone. So tell me mum…what happened? You would remember better then I would!

     Why can’t you forgive me? People forgive their children for things like that all the time, why do you have to be different?

     I know you have compassion, or you wouldn’t have adopted me. I know that you cringe when you see someone hurt. I know that you have a really weak stomache, and cleaning up puke makes you puke. I know that you cry sometimes, I have a very distant memory of being very small…maybe 3? You were in my room, sitting on my bed, bawling like a baby. I ran to get Daddy, I remember saying, "mummy’s crying. Why is she crying?" over and over. Something upset you. Maybe me. What was I like when I was a child? Could I have been that bad? That’s the only time I can really remember seeing you cry…oh and that time that you and Daddy were almost divorced…but you don’t know that I know that.
     My sister told me that sometimes when you watch movies you cry. I don’t believe her.
     I’ve seen you laugh really hard at movies. YOu really liked War of the Roses, you said that was hilarious. I think that’s a really strange thing to laugh at personally. You used to laugh a lot with my Aunt (your sister). But I haven’t seen her come over in ages. She stopped. I did notice that she comes over a lot when she thinks I’m not around. My sister told me that she doesnt’ like me.

     Do you remember when I was little…when you counted to 3 I would scream and cry? Well I did that because I thought that when you got to three, you would spank me. Most times you did. But I remember putting on my shoes…I did everything so slowly…and I wasn’t putting them on fast enough. You and my aunt were sitting in the living room while I was around the corner trying to put on the shoes. I remember my aunt starting to count to three, and I instantly started crying. You and her were laughing hysterically. I dont’ remember what happened after that.

     I know you are a good person mum…I love you. I know you care about things, and you have positive emotions, somewhere. I want to know what happened to you that made you hate everything so much? Why don’t you love yourself? You don’t know that I know this, but why did you try to kill yourself? You don’t have to love me, but I love you mum. Will you let me come home for xmas?