Scibblings in lecture

     It’s gone, I should be happy. I should be ready to move on and I think that for the first time ever, I actually love myself. But I have this need, this hungry, driving need to be loved, by everyone. I search and hunger for it above everything else. I tell myself that I don’t care but of course I still do, albeit not as much as I once did.
     I try not to worry so much, I try so hard, but I’m forever guilty of it.
     Writing like this always helps, getting out some thoughts, however little of the great mass that is forever swimming about in my head makes that much of a difference. The tension dissapates as the pen drags across the page.
     I’m in the middle of a lecture, I shouldn’t be doing this.
     I used to be a good writer, I pieced my words together so well. I stopped reading, and thus my ability to properly communicate declined rapidly. The right word became more and more difficult to grasp. I read but one book this weekend and the words are flowing much easier again. It needs a bit of work, I just need to read more. I think stress that I didn’t even know was there will melt away as I can feel it now. I has always been a safe place for me.

     You have to treat me well
You have to understand me
you can never lie
you have to love the environment
you have to love me
you have to be successful
you have to be true
you have to be solid
you have to be good
you have to have love for everything
you have to be safe
you have to be warm
you have to hold me
you have to want to protect me
you have to want a farm
you have to love horses
you have to think like I do
you have to be sociable
you have to try
you have to intrigue me
there must be warmth in your eyes
you have to be funny
you have to be playful
you have to know what you want
you have to be complete
you have to be arousing
you have to give me my space
you have to be thoughtful
you have to be fun
you have to be hard working
I have to see myself more clearly when I look at you
I think I’m looking at another version of myself, do you even exist at all?

What is success?
it’s love
it’s happiness
it’s caring
it’s fun
it’s play
it’s hard work
it’s kindness
it’s generosity noth matter the circumstance
it’s unconditional love
it’s trying your best
it’s respect
It’s NEVER money.

What is our world coming to? The end is close, so many people can already feel it, and still people are everywhere saying, "no, this isn’t it." No one wants to believe the truth. We are all guilty of it. What can we do? Anything at all? Maybe the Amish are right. Our guilty pleasures of plastics, technology and fine things like this…aren’t right. We are meant to live as we once did. We are slowly killing ourselves.
     Scribbles in my notebook, will anyone ever understand me? Where do I belong?

     Who am I?
Am I a whore?
Am I a bitch?
Do I like putting other people down?
Am I crazy?
Am I an attention seeker?
Was I abused?
Do people get tired of listening to me talk?
If I met myself, would I like me?
Would I be annoying? Am I?
Why can’t I escape my own head?
Why are my thoughts so unchangingly negative?
How much love exists in the world?
How much hate exists in the world?
What percentage is hate?
How many people are psychopaths?
What makes a psychopath?
Why am I so tense?
Why is writing in the middle of a lecture the only thing that relaxes me lately?
Are my thoughts so different from others?
Do people like me?
How much of the time do I spend worrying about stuff that isn’t real?
Am I smart?
Am I stupid?
Am I average?
How do other people percieve me?
Am I the invisible girl in the corner?
Am I the hot girl everyone wants/wants to be?
Am I the girl that pisses everyone off?
Am I someone that is envied?
Why do I not have friends?
Is that just in my head, or do I have more friends then I think I do?
Why do guys treat me differently then girls do?
I think I don’t have close female friends or friends in general because I’m afraid of people getting to know me, it makes me feel uncomfortable.
The same reason I don’t want a guy.
This is better then talking to ppl because I don’t have to worry what someone is thinking of me.
I can have any thought or feeling tha ti want w/o worrying about damaging a friendship or exposing myself too much.