a little conceited

     I told myself at the beginning of the summer that I would be this certain person when the summer was over. I think that I’m finally the person that I want to be. I mean, I am but I’m not.

     I don’t know if I’m conceited or I just finally care enough about myself enough to not put  myself in harm’s way just for other people’s benefit. For the first time in my life I don’t really care all that much about all those little embarassing moments that happen in a day. Like underwear showing a little too much…ya I kinda wish that I didn’t, but it’s not the end of my whole world when it shows. My day doesn’t end and I don’t spend the rest of my day thinking about it.

     Or saying a little more then I should have. Like announcing to people that I happen to have 25 dollars to my name at the moment. I think it makes some people feel uncomfortable but you know what? that’s just too damn bad. It’s the way I am, and I happen to be open about shit like that. It’s not that I’m trying to make anyone feel sorry for me, it just happened to bve a conversation topic.

      I think I talk about myself a little bit too much too…I think it annoys people sometimes but it’s like…I don’t care all that much. I just think that I’m not as emotional as I was. I’m a lot tougher. I’m not a complete mess anymore. But I feel almost cold hearted. It’s like, because I’m happy, I do’nt care about other people’s unhappiness anymore. I just dont’ want to think about misery at all. It’s boring. I want to be out having fun and laughing about stuff like, all the time. I don’t want anyone to tie  me down. I want to be part of everyone’s fun all the time. It’s almost like I care about nothing but myself. I think I do. I’m not sure how or why…and I can’t quite figure out if that’s part of maybe my age, or something. I just don’t know. I just don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t want to be a loser I guess…and I don’t want to be friends with people that I think are boring. I have the bitchiest attitude inside my head…

     And all those people that I, maybe 5 or 6 months ago I would have given anything to just be friends with…I hate! Just becuase I think they are awful people to have made me feel the way I felt. I want nothing to do with anyone that  makes me feel like shit. At the same time…I don’t want to be friends with people that I think are boring…I feel like the world’s biggest bitch. I’m amazed at how much I’ve changed. I feel like a different person. I can feel it on the inside…I’m not up and down. My heart doesn’t rule my life. My emotions are almost a little more removed then they were before…I jsut don’t care about a lot of things.

     I kinda wish I was a little more religious. I still dont’ know how I feel about sex. I wonder if I will go to hell for what I’ve done?