Strawberry Wine

     So I have been thinking about this whole Ryan thing a lot. I know I shouldn’t, but I have. I can’t really help it. I have realized that the only way this can ever work is if I blindly trust him. I’m not sure if he’s worth it. But I have this feeling, and I’m really hoping it’s right. I know, I know, all I ever freaking write in here is about boys…geez, I’m such a typical girl.

     But I really feel like I am over Steve. I really do. Yesterday I was sitting in here with Gill, and I noticed that someone in that msn category was online, I wondered if it was Ryan. I looked at it and I was like, "oh, it’s only Steve". After the words came out of my mouth I was like, WHAT?! I did NOT just say that! I am so happy! I also realized today that yesterday was the day that it had been six months since it ended. They say that it takes half the length of your relationship to get over it. Well, we were together for a little over a year and I think I am over him completely!

    I really like Ryan a lot. I want it to work out desperately. It will suck majorly if it doesn’t. I really need to have a talk with him when he comes back. I don’t feel like he has put enough effort into this as he should have. I still need to talk to him about that thing with the other chick, but I’m going to see if he might tell me first. I think he already has and I misunderstood. I think he tried to tell me that he dated her, but I interpreted it as it had happened in the past.

     I really think if this is going to work I am going to have to trust him blindly and expect him to tell me the truth after this. I’m really not sure what to do about this. I think it has a lot of potential, but he hasn’t put himself into it. I think that because I still freak out occasionally (even though not as bad as before), he is afraid that I am going to be this clingy, needy, possessive, jealous, bitch! I think that is all I have really shown him, but the reason for that being that he broke my trust. The only way for me to not be possessive and jealous is by trusting him blindly. I’m not sure if he’s worth all that…but if I want to try, that’s what has to happen. I really don’t think that him and I will be together before the end of school. He’s leaving in a month, and I’m not sure if he is going to be around all that much with his new job. It doesn’t even matter if he finishes his course anymore because his job has nothing to do with what he’s currently taking.

     Personally, I think he should still try in case something happens with this job, but he’s saying that he doesn’t care really. If that’s his decision, I probably won’t be seeing him.

     He hasn’t invited me to Madoc recently. He has said that he wants me to visit him next year in Madoc on weekends or something while I’m in school. He wasn’t very clear on exactly how it would happen, but he mentioned it. But he hasn’t recently said that he wants this to happen. Last time he invited me to Madoc, he told me that I was always welcome there, blah blah blah. It’s not quite the same as it was back when he said that he wanted to be with me. I dont’ know and I really need to talk to him about it, but I know he’s not coming back until Monday. I haven’t seen him in almost a week, and he hasn’t been online much either. I don’t know what else to say about all this.

     Other than I want to talk to him…I want him to come here and spend time with me. I’m not quite sure how to deal with all this. I think once I talk to him I can get a feeling on what I think. Something is not quite right…I think that he really did date this girl. I don’t know what he meant with it at all. But the night that he was drunk and he came here he said that it wasn’t the same with anyone else because it felt forced. Then proceeded to tell me that there hadn’t been anyone else. So I’m thinking that he was telling the truth about what he said…I just wish he would take some action. He doesn’t go out of his way to do anything for me really. So I am going to wait until I get the opportunity to say all the things that I have written in here today…