sh!ttiness!

     I had a dream last night that Steve’s new girlfriend got him smoking stuff like oil…oil isn’t even that bad, but it upset me so much. I dreamt that I was on msn trying to get it out of him that he was doing it.

     It left me with such an unbelievably horrible feeling. I feel so sh!tty today. Like it would be easier if I wasn’t alive. I would never kill myself though.

     I don’t know what to do…..I feel so super sh!tty…I almost feel like I don’t even want to bother trying to feel normal again. It takes so much freaking effort. I tried to be happy there for a little while…even after the whole Ryan thing, I was doing fairly well. But finding out that Steve has a new g/f…that just killed me…it tears me up all over again. I shouldn’t still care so much.

     I think I just have emotions a lot more intensely than other people do. I feel a lot more strongly than other people do maybe…it’s bee nfour months since Steve for crying out loud! Four freaking months! Why does it still hurt so much? It would be so much easier if I had somone too…but instead I got fucked over…Ryan is an asshole.

     It’s just like, why can’t I be happy too? And just because Iknow the way Steve works…I know how his mind goes. He doesn’t go into a relationship unless it’s super serious and there is a really intense feeling there. How did it happen so fast? He made it sound like it would take him a lot longer than that to move on…It makes me feel like sh!t.